Broken

I've had this "save the world" urge since a few weeks back. It's like an itch that won't go away, yet at this point, I have not discovered that ointment to make it go away and which can give me relief.

Now that our term as youth pentacord is coming to an end, I can't help but ask the Him, "Lord, what's next for me?"

I thought I got His answer a couple of weeks ago, when these lines from the song "God of Justice" stirred up something from within me:

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

I was rather convinced that this is What's Next for me. I felt like the Lord was calling me to GO, to take a step away from my comfort zone, to be with the broken in body, mind, heart, and spirit. Thoughts of being with the abused and the sickly, the emotionally troubled and at risk began to flicker in my mind... I felt that my psychological reservoir would be most useful in the lines of these domains. I was hopeful and quite excited with this realization.

More so, I felt I got His nod of approval and got His assurance that the Youth Ministry will be fine and that He has taken care of everything - every detail, every step, every little thing that's been pestering my weary mind... That even before we finish the emergence process, He already has His list written on His palm and that I have nothing to worry about.

Thus, at that moment, I felt so ready to take on the world and take tiny steps forward. I got his GO signal that it's okay for me to slowly let go of what I've held on to so dear for the past 7 years and more.

But just before I can take off, He caught my feet back to the ground.

He has His way, you know... Of pulling you back to earth whenever he catches you striding dreamily to la la land.

Little did I know that the "broken" God was referring to in His song, in His message, was none other than... me.

These past few days and even weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me.. at work, in school, in community, at home, in my relationships.

Rye said that I've been clingy as well. Something which I thought I've managed to eradicate from my system but I guess I was wrong. And he was blunt enough to let me know that he's not liking it. He thought I've changed, but now I'm back to my old ways.

It's just that these days, I've been lost in thought as I've been trying to make sense of all these things that I got myself into. Amidst the uncertainties that I've been plaguing myself with, I guess I've been finding my security from him. Maybe that's why. I don't know. But the more I tighten, the more he loosens his grip from me, and the more I am disheartened.

I just have so many WHYs, followed up with so many HOWs.

I've been trying to solve the jigsaw puzzle pieces in front of me in order to see more clearly what my future will be like. I am confident that my future will be abundant and filled with hope and blessings. Yet, what exactly is THAT future that I see glimmering before me? Yes, I see the light, but right now, it's just a big blob of faint yellow with undefined outlines and an indiscernable shape.

All this has caused fragments of what were left of my fears, doubts, and insecurities from the past to resurface. I thought they were gone and that I've fully come into terms with them, but they have their way of creeping back to my life whenever I feel that I have figured everything out and planned my life up to the miniscule detail.

I just have to finally admit once more and let it out in the open... That after all these years, I am broken, still broken... and I surely need a dose of healing grace from Up Above.

My love tank has depleted once more. I need a refill.

It's quite silly for me to think of helping other people when I can't even help myself and utterly feel helpless right now. This is just not possible. I cannot give what I don't have.

I have to come into terms with myself first and face my own demons, before I help others face the demons that they've long struggled with. Nobody can do this but me. Nobody can tell me what my next step is going to be. Dependence will only make it worse. I have to learn to stand on my own this time, so that when I finally do, I can be someone else's crutch.

As I try to resolve the strife within me, I know I am going to need all the support I can get as well. I need your help but not to the point of you spoonfeeding me with the answers that I so desperately seek right now. I just need that reassurance that I can do this and that you got my back.

Okay, enough of this drama.
I know I will figure things out in time...
With much hope, soon.

Ciao!
July 28
6:17pm

01/01/03

I was born on a Wednesday and since my birthday...
I've been living for 6 years
I've been living for 78 months
I've been living for 2,395 days
I've been living for 57,489 hours
I've been living for 3,449,387 minutes
I've been living for 206,963,264 seconds

On Finding My Niche in this World

I was reading Queena Lee-Chua's 10 Outstanding Filipino Scientist and stumbled upon this advice given to Buddy Ostrea, a brilliant Filipino doctor who developed the Meconium Test used to detect drugs in a baby's first poop, by Dr. Odell, his mentor:

"There are so many new things, and so much to learn. You won't learn everything under the sun. Cultivate a little garden of your own, and grow a few, but the best plants in that garden."

After almost a year and half in grad school and with only one course left to take before comps, practicum and thesis, I am plagued with this feeling of discontent that I have so much more to learn at this point. After going through the rigor of each class, I still sense a lack of knowledge in me, in my chosen field - Psychology (which is such a great expanse of a universe, don't you think?). Parang bitin lang. More so, the classes I've taken so far are like a hodge podge of everything - some on research, others on adolescents, parenting, education, development... ETC. This has left me more confused. On one hand, it's a matter of circumstance... The lack of available classes that could be more relevant to my life is finally catching up on me. However, on another, it's because of the many options that remain to be enticing for me. I just can't decide yet.

This quote just made me ruminate on my existence once more and think about where I am actually headed to after all this comes to pass. It felt like a nudge from above... which I just couldn't ignore.

Now, Lord, where shall I go from here?

But it's true, I cannot learn everything under the sun. Nor can I be good in everything.

Believing that I can juggle everything in my hands and thinking that I can pursue two or more paths at once are futile attempts that I know will get me nowhere. I have proven so many times as this has been a perpetual problem of mine.

"I want this, but I also want that."
"What if I try this, but also do that?"
"I can be this in the morning, and that at night."
The thoughts in my head run along these lines.

With this, I bring life to the cliche -- Jack of All Trades and Master of None. Ask me what my talent is, I'll answer you with a resounding "I don't know." Followed up with, "But I like to write, I like to study, I like to teach, I like to help the youth, I like to serve, I like to do research.." and so on and so forth... the list goes on but you get the picture. I tend to want to do different things, often unrelated ones, within the same time frame. The worst part is that when I end up not committing to any or all of these things in the pipeline FULLY and not finishing whatever I have started.

I've come to recognize how it's sometimes so easy for me to just let go and just let myself off the hook, and be distracted with yet again, another novel, glistening idea lurking around me. This is especially pronounced if I hit a hump somewhere along the way. Just like a toddler, I can leave things hanging. I explore the different learning centers at will, then zone in to a puzzle, but leave it undone if I can't fit a couple of pieces in and at one glance to my side, discover that a shiny red truck is hollering at me.

Ahhk. All this EMERGING ADULTHOOD shiznit has become my personal story. I just can't commit to one because it feels so limiting. Yet, being open as a book in terms of explorations and opportunities also poses this danger of spreading yourself too thinly on a layer of already thin ice and half-frozen what ifs. I'll definitely fall into a pit of ice-cold water in no time. This is what scares me. A lot.

This cannot go on anymore. I know I have to decide and be more specific in what I want to do, in what I wish to accomplish, and in where I think I'd succeed, all within a feasible timeframe.

I know my clock is ticking. I have to find that niche. Soon.

I have to find my happy place in this world, my own garden where my special flowers can bloom. I have to specialize. I have to find my focus. I have to know that one thing I am good at.

I know the Lord won't reveal it to me like a chocolate bar handed to a behaved child. Nor will He speak in billboards or plaster signs all over the Metro leading me to THAT path. I won't bother asking the Magic 8 ball either because life is not always about fate, luck, randomness, and chances. And it's just plain stupid to let a ball dictate your life.

It may be a tedious task but I have to discover it myself. I have to do it. I have to take time to think about it. And the answer will only surface once I get to know ME more. I can't rely on anyone else to discern what's best for me. This is my life, and I have to make that choice.

And when I do finally commit to that one thing, I know any feeling of discontent, confusion, or even worry will just fade away. His peace will eventually take over... and take me there.

Ciao!

July 23, 2009
6:41pm

ADDENDUM:

Incidentally, the Gospel today somehow affirms what I just said...

That God will not give everything on a silver platter.

We must actively search for the answers and not just rely on signs. He asks us to dig deeper and look through the surface of things, not just to see with our eyes and hear with our ears what's in front of us, but to understand with our hearts. There's no room for laziness and passiveness. We must work it!

His ways are truly not are ways.

Nibble on HIS word now, and be nourished. Ciao!

***

It is not always easy to believe and trust in the work of the Lord. Sometimes He seems to move in roundabout and mysterious ways that defy ordinary human understanding. Jesus tells us as much when He speaks through parables, hiding the message of the Gospel from those too lazy to look for it with any sense of perseverance. We cannot expect that salvation will be handed to us on a platter. We have to show our commitment to live a holy life according to the dictates of the Lord.

Matthew 13:10-17

10 The disciples approached Jesus and said, “Why do you speak to them in parables?” 11 He said to them in reply, “Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. 12 To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 13 This is why I speak to them in parables, because ‘they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand.’ 14 Isaiah’s prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says: ‘You shall indeed hear but not understand, you shall indeed look but never see. 15 Gross is the heart of this people, they will hardly hear with their ears, they have closed their eyes, lest they see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and be converted, and I heal them.’ 16 “But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear. 17 Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.”

I Must Go

July 18, 2009
Youth Prayer Meeting
1st TEAMothy Teaching
Knowing God and Listening to God Activity

God's Letter to Me:

Dear Trina,

How fast you have grown, My Child. You started out as a quiet and shy girl, but look at you now. You bear the confidence that I have placed in your heart.

I told you I have great plans for you... Far greater than you have or could ever imagine. 3 years are almost up, but my plans for you in service of me will never stop coming. I have set wonderful things for you, and I leave it to you to discover all of these.

Now, it's time to go - go out of your comfort zone, go beyond what you have learned to call your "home." It's time to go and be with my broken people... those broken in heart, mind, and spirit, broken in love, broken in hunger, broken in spite, and broken because they have not come to know me yet.

Don't be scared. I will provide for you. I will be with you at all times. I will put words into you mouth. I will guide you and tell you what to do. I have prepared you for this. I will give you what you need for my Grace if sufficient for you.

You can do all things through me who will strengthen you. I will fortify you. I will nourish you.

I will make your dreams come true.

Let go of those burdens, let go of those doubts and just TRUST. Have faith and look forward to the rainbow that awaits you after every storm.

Be brave my child for I assure you, your future is filled with sunny days and tremendous love. Challenges will surely come but I have equipped you to face and overcome them for I am always with you. I am your greatest defense.

Make no room for insecurities and worries because I see past those, I see what's in your heart. I hold your world in my hand and you are safe with me.

It's time to go back, to refocus. I have been waiting, you know. I missed you so much and I've always happily awaited your return.

I am Yours and You are Mine. That is how it is and will always be.

I love you and I seal this with a kiss and hug from heaven.

All yours,

Jesus

***

to be continued...

Faith

More than Meets the Eye
Max Lucado

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. ~Hebrews 11:1~

Faith is trusting what the eye can't see.
Eyes see the prowling lion. Faith sees Daniel's angel.
Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah's rainbow.
Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.
Your eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Savior.
Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees His blood.
Your eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker.
But by faith, you look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on your finger and the kiss of your Father on your face.

***

This is God's message for me today.

It came to me this morning unexpectedly.

I guess that's how God works. Very Filipino. Mahilig magpahiwatig. He is apparently not the "Peacock" God that we saw during Moses and Noah's time who's into burning bushes and great floods. He makes his presence felt like a warm and gentle breeze, which you may not see but caresses your being through and through without you even realizing it.

Teacher Lia decided to read this passage from her little devotional book for our staff morning prayer in school. Little did I realize that this is exactly what I would need right now, as my day finally comes to a close.

It was a long Wednesday for me for various reasons.

I had a hard time going to sleep last night that it took its toll on my sleep debt account.

Class has been a riot ever since my new kid came. I don't hate my job but it can get frustrating at times just like any other.

I had to finish a report, yet again, for a class. Read loads of readings. Go to night class. The neverending tasks of a grad school student.

The long trip going home.

Plus some emotional load that got in the way which is not worth holding on to.

Yes, I am tired physically and quite drained emotionally.

But then again, I remembered the verse and reflection that I painstakingly copied onto my phone.

He had a purpose. And now, I see it.
I see it, not with my eyes, but with complete faith.

Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah's rainbow.

Rye's right. Life is too beautiful to be ruined by unnecessary things not worth my time.
I failed to appreciate this reality because I was busy worrying about the gray clouds lurking over me and awaiting the heavy drops to finally pour. And when the rain finally came, I could've just brought out my umbrella and danced to the tune of the clickety-clack of the raindrops... but prefered to sulk because I got wet all over.

Your eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Savior.
Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees His blood.

It's not about me or THEM, Lord. It's about YOU.
It's about your miracles and your great sacrifice on the cross.
It's about you being my friend, when my world crumbles and turns against what I hold dear.
It'a all about YOU.
I choose to focus on YOU, Lord.

Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.

Eyes on the prize, not on this insecure giant before me.
It's time to shun the negative.
And bring in the good things that come only from Him


Thank you for affirming me once again, Lord.
Thank you for filling my life with hope... that great things are coming.
I just place my trust in You and your plans for me.


Ciao!
11:32pm
July 15, 2009

Restless Wandering

I've been twisting and turning on my bed for almost an hour now. I couldn't sleep even if I need to and want to. My mind has been wandering. Though I forced my eyes shut, I remain restless in my thoughts.

It's been a long time since I pressed the keys on my laptop for the noble purpose of writing for the sake of writing. Yes, for quite I while, I lost it - lost the habit, lost the drive to write and get lost in sincere contemplation.

Then, the urge nudged my body to get up, turn on my computer, and start typing. I just couldn't resist now.

What have I been up to the past days, weeks... months?

One year of graduate studies, one year of teaching... yes, admittedly, it's starting to lose sparkle. Novelty has faded, and reality has set in... that is why frustration, stress, what ifs and what nots sometimes get in the way and I lose sight of the prize and where I am headed to. But I know I have to carry on... just a little bit longer. I am halfway through this and I will finish the race that I have started.

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately. With only one subject left to take, practicum hours to complete, comprehensive exams to pass, and a thesis to conquer, I am nearly done. This has left me a bit dumbfounded in answering the pervasive question, "What will happen next?" I know I still have over a year to figure this out but I just feel that time is flying by fast and I need to stumble upon the answers that I've been looking for or waiting for soon. Yes, really soon. If not, I'll end up with a panic attack. Desperate times make me panic, as I have proven to myself many times.

This search has made me embark on restless wanderings once more. Lately, I am constantly feeling that itch once again.. that itch to move, to try out new things, to discover new aspects of myself that I never imagined resides within me. I am constantly thinking about what's "out there" for me... what the Lord has left for me to uncover. Don't get me wrong. I am happy where I am and feel truly blessed with the opportunities handed on to me like gifts. Yet, I am not yet content to settle for just this, at this point.

This is not to be mistaken as confusion. I am not confused. I am just open to explore more at the moment. I don't want to box my career or set my life on stone already. I know, I am not yet finished. Teaching is my now, but it can just be a means to a greater end or an end in itself. I have yet to discover. I know Psychology can take me anywhere. And for as long as I hold on to that purpose of reaching out to others and help them discover the vastness and greatness of God's love, I know I'll be fine. My options are endless.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about the future these days. This is what happens when YOU are away. I tend to drift into deep thought as I revel in the possibilities of a great life ahead. Surprisingly, I am not at all worried about what lies in front of us. I feel hopeful and delighted, actually. The only thing that concerns me is that I be given much time, sufficient opportunities, and the right tools and resources to nurture the dreams that I keep sacred in have in my heart. In faith, the Lord will provide. He always provides.

May all our dreams come true.
They will.
I declare this tonight.
Now, it's time to ACT.

Ciao!

July 15, 2009
12:44am

I Want to Write Again.

Because you believe in me so much, I have to start writing again soon.

I miss writing.

I want to be a better writer.

Lord, grant me the gift, time, inspiration, and opportunity to transform my thoughts into words.

And oh, I miss you.

Rye Matignas at 10:05pm June 19

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
You really are a great writer Trina. I always find your pieces refreshing.

2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
Lupang Hinirang. The last line says: ang mamatay ng dahil sayo.. naks. Biglang romantic na diba???

3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
coffee shop - bookstore....

4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
i saw you get out of the van and i said: there's my next gf! hahaha.

5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
a platypus!

6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
crush mo ba talaga ako dati pa? like before we even met? hahahahaha!

7. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.
sobrang yakang yaka mo mood swings ko.

8. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you
pag makulet na!!! oh no.. time to sleep..