"There are so many new things, and so much to learn. You won't learn everything under the sun. Cultivate a little garden of your own, and grow a few, but the best plants in that garden."
After almost a year and half in grad school and with only one course left to take before comps, practicum and thesis, I am plagued with this feeling of discontent that I have so much more to learn at this point. After going through the rigor of each class, I still sense a lack of knowledge in me, in my chosen field - Psychology (which is such a great expanse of a universe, don't you think?). Parang bitin lang. More so, the classes I've taken so far are like a hodge podge of everything - some on research, others on adolescents, parenting, education, development... ETC. This has left me more confused. On one hand, it's a matter of circumstance... The lack of available classes that could be more relevant to my life is finally catching up on me. However, on another, it's because of the many options that remain to be enticing for me. I just can't decide yet.
This quote just made me ruminate on my existence once more and think about where I am actually headed to after all this comes to pass. It felt like a nudge from above... which I just couldn't ignore.
Now, Lord, where shall I go from here?
But it's true, I cannot learn everything under the sun. Nor can I be good in everything.
Believing that I can juggle everything in my hands and thinking that I can pursue two or more paths at once are futile attempts that I know will get me nowhere. I have proven so many times as this has been a perpetual problem of mine.
"I want this, but I also want that."
"What if I try this, but also do that?"
"I can be this in the morning, and that at night."
The thoughts in my head run along these lines.
With this, I bring life to the cliche -- Jack of All Trades and Master of None. Ask me what my talent is, I'll answer you with a resounding "I don't know." Followed up with, "But I like to write, I like to study, I like to teach, I like to help the youth, I like to serve, I like to do research.." and so on and so forth... the list goes on but you get the picture. I tend to want to do different things, often unrelated ones, within the same time frame. The worst part is that when I end up not committing to any or all of these things in the pipeline FULLY and not finishing whatever I have started.
I've come to recognize how it's sometimes so easy for me to just let go and just let myself off the hook, and be distracted with yet again, another novel, glistening idea lurking around me. This is especially pronounced if I hit a hump somewhere along the way. Just like a toddler, I can leave things hanging. I explore the different learning centers at will, then zone in to a puzzle, but leave it undone if I can't fit a couple of pieces in and at one glance to my side, discover that a shiny red truck is hollering at me.
Ahhk. All this EMERGING ADULTHOOD shiznit has become my personal story. I just can't commit to one because it feels so limiting. Yet, being open as a book in terms of explorations and opportunities also poses this danger of spreading yourself too thinly on a layer of already thin ice and half-frozen what ifs. I'll definitely fall into a pit of ice-cold water in no time. This is what scares me. A lot.
This cannot go on anymore. I know I have to decide and be more specific in what I want to do, in what I wish to accomplish, and in where I think I'd succeed, all within a feasible timeframe.
I know my clock is ticking. I have to find that niche. Soon.
I have to find my happy place in this world, my own garden where my special flowers can bloom. I have to specialize. I have to find my focus. I have to know that one thing I am good at.
I know the Lord won't reveal it to me like a chocolate bar handed to a behaved child. Nor will He speak in billboards or plaster signs all over the Metro leading me to THAT path. I won't bother asking the Magic 8 ball either because life is not always about fate, luck, randomness, and chances. And it's just plain stupid to let a ball dictate your life.
It may be a tedious task but I have to discover it myself. I have to do it. I have to take time to think about it. And the answer will only surface once I get to know ME more. I can't rely on anyone else to discern what's best for me. This is my life, and I have to make that choice.
And when I do finally commit to that one thing, I know any feeling of discontent, confusion, or even worry will just fade away. His peace will eventually take over... and take me there.
Ciao!
July 23, 2009
6:41pm
ADDENDUM:
Incidentally, the Gospel today somehow affirms what I just said...
That God will not give everything on a silver platter.
We must actively search for the answers and not just rely on signs. He asks us to dig deeper and look through the surface of things, not just to see with our eyes and hear with our ears what's in front of us, but to understand with our hearts. There's no room for laziness and passiveness. We must work it!
His ways are truly not are ways.
Nibble on HIS word now, and be nourished. Ciao!
***
It is not always easy to believe and trust in the work of the Lord. Sometimes He seems to move in roundabout and mysterious ways that defy ordinary human understanding. Jesus tells us as much when He speaks through parables, hiding the message of the Gospel from those too lazy to look for it with any sense of perseverance. We cannot expect that salvation will be handed to us on a platter. We have to show our commitment to live a holy life according to the dictates of the Lord.
Matthew 13:10-17
10 The disciples approached Jesus and said, “Why do you speak to them in parables?” 11 He said to them in reply, “Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. 12 To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 13 This is why I speak to them in parables, because ‘they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand.’ 14 Isaiah’s prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says: ‘You shall indeed hear but not understand, you shall indeed look but never see. 15 Gross is the heart of this people, they will hardly hear with their ears, they have closed their eyes, lest they see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and be converted, and I heal them.’ 16 “But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear. 17 Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.”
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