Just came home from a busy day in the ER.
It all started last friday when Rye and I were all set for our much-awaited Mister Kebab date. We were so ready to go until I ended up curled up to my knees on the bed, crying and cringing in pain. The sharp twinges in my lower abdomen were too much to bear. It was so intense and nerve-wracking that I wanted to bite my lips so hard as an attempt to conceal such unbearable difficulty. It was even more heartbreaking when Rye started getting scared and seemed at a loss on what to do. He tried massaging my tummy but it didn't help. Pressure made it hurt even more. All I could do was to lay my restless body on the bed and try my best to relax hoping that this momentarily calm would fool my brain to stop feeling the pain.
After 20 minutes of pure agony, the throbbing slowly subsided and the pain evolved into a steady, ever-present, uncomfortable force within me... until this very moment that I am writing this. Every action had an equally painful reaction in the abs. I never thought laughing could be such a difficult and hurting task.
I went through my Saturday as normally as possible, trying to conceal this physical dilemma I was facing.
I went to class to get my dose of Saturday Queena-isms (Queena Lee-Chua is such an intelligent and practical prof.. gotta love her!).
When I reached San Carlos, I smiled at my fellow youth, hung out at the reg table, chatted them up and made kulet to them as I normally do. I felt energetic to do my monthly penta duties and I was really blessed by the worship that Tim and Jan led. I realized that being a Friend of God really has a gazillion perks. I also felt God talking to me and reassuring me once again as tears started to well up when Tim quoted one of my favorite verses in the bible about God's perfect love -
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:18
For our after-worship activity, I had a great and perfect night with my lovely friends in Rockwell - dinner in Zaifu, Rye's treat; shopping at Springfield (laughing over Rye's waistline mishap and dressing room scandal); kwentos about life, love, and ghosts; going bizonkers over Maricar Reyes, Maja Salvador, and Iza Calzado; dessert galore, dunkin donuts and crepes and cream are love; and so much more.
And of course, I enjoyed every precious minute I had with Rye.
Despite the bloated tummy that was bothering me and the nagging feeling of discomfort, being with the people who matter in my life right now made every enervating laugh worthwhile. Which brings me to my
first lesson -
I learned that in times of pain, whether physical or emotional, imagined or psychological, being around those you love and care about is enough for you to regain your strength (even if it's just for a fleeting moment) to get past that unwanted feeling that has been brewing up within.
Aside from the physical pain that won't go away, I know I had some emotional turmoil within me that I had to sort out. So on the way home from such a blissful day, I started sharing these bothersome thoughts with Rye. He was just quiet most of the time but when he felt that I was letting my emotions cloud my mind (as usual), he tried to knock me out of it and let me see things in perpective and as objective as possible.
Thank you... because that was all I needed. I was honest yet you did not make me feel scared to share my most hidden emotions. I just needed someone to echo my thoughts in a logical and objective manner so I can make sense of all these thoughts and feelings. Even if you've said so many times how you are more of an active problem solver than a passive listener, I appreciated every quiet minute that you allowed me to release the negativity within me and to rant my heart out.
So
lesson number two is -
You cannot let bad feelings bottle up inside. It will kill you and it will worsen any physical pain that's already present. Talk to someone. Talk to that person you trust most and would love you all the same and not think of you badly no matter what comes out of your mouth. You'll feel better afterward. It never fails.
Rye woke me up at 4:30 in the morning the next day to tell me that he was leaving because he needed to bring his mom to the hospital because of intense stomach pain. It was an abrupt goodbye, to think he's leaving tomorrow for Palawan yet again, but it just reminded me of how important our family is to us, which made it easier for me to let him go. I know it is nothing but an automatic response for us to not to want our loved ones suffer or be in pain.
And that is
lesson number three - Family matters, Family comes first. I realized that even if I know how much Rye loves me, nothing could compare to his love for his Mom. She is his first lady love and I cannot contend with that. I know how he worries about her everyday and how he wishes that she stops working already so she can just relax and enjoy life. In the same way, I know should put my family in the forefront as well. Admittedly, I fail in this aspect at times. Because I have so much love for Rye, I tend to not attend to my family's needs first. I always forget that I still have the rest of my years to spend with Rye but every moment with my family counts - even the littlest of things. For instance, Kit asking for my help with her Math homework the other day. Rye and I were sorting some issues at that time over the phone and I practically shooed her out of my room. I am sorry, Kit. You know I love you dearly and I am happy that you did quite well in your Math test. :)
With Rye preoccupied with his mom, I had the rest of my Sunday to myself. Yes, the pain was still there when I woke up... not as intense but still there and it gave me an uncomfy feeling whenever I moved. I told my parents and they insisted that I take a painkiller and just rest. I knew they were starting to get worried then because they let me miss yesterday's The Feast at Valle, which has become a weekly family thing for us. And so I heeded their advice and just rested the whole day, and this is my
fourth lesson - REST!
I think I had 5 hours of extra sleep that day and when I woke up, even if the pain wouldn't want to go away yet, I felt much better. I did not realize how much I lacked sleep from the previous week and I truly appreciated the chance to give back to my body what I owed it. Yes, we need rest, people. Sometimes, we get so busy and hyped up with life that we tend not to hear the weak cries of our body. We subliminally ignore or drown such call for help and rejuvenation just because we need to get things done in pronto... that one day, we are so surprised to learn that it has finally given up on us. We need to recharge once in while. We need to relax and get out of our buzzed lives every now and them. We need to take time to rest. It definitely doesn't deserve the beating and abuse we bring upon it each day. After all, it's His temple. We have no right to slowly murder God's anatomical wonder.
After lazing around and doing nothing the whole day, I stormed the heavens to finally release me from such pain I was feeling. It was still an effort to move, to walk, to go up and down the stairs. But I guess, it was not yet His will to make it go away. I still had a lesson or two to learn.
I woke up and God forbid, it was still there. I had to text Teacher Cecilia right away because I felt I am not at my best to be with my class today. I also asked Teacher Lia to be my Plan B in case Teacher Cecilia failed to see my text or went to class late. After a few moments of restless waiting, I finally got my replies. Both of them said Yes and ended the message with "Hope it's nothing serious." I think those were my cues from Up Above which I blatantly missed because I let fear creep into my system. I failed to see His reassuring grace that wanted to tell me I had nothing to worry about. I was so busy with the pain that I ignored the grace, His grace at that very moment.
Lesson number five - we will never see the Blessing if we focus on the Problem. Yes, I missed it because I had my eyes fixed on this persistent problem of mine. In effect, it made the pain bigger than it really was. Worse, it made me even more scared because it felt like I was not getting any better after 4 long days.
Mommy promised to bring me to the hospital that morning. She just had to bring the 2 girls to Assumption and we had to wait for Manong to get back from Ateneo. I had 2 more hours of extra sleep. Thank God.
Before I retreated back to rest, Daddy placed his hand on my painful tummy and said that he'll pray over me. Each word that came out of his mouth was so lovingly said. I felt really touched with his gesture. I know that every wail of torture they hear from me is always twice the agony in them. Mommy and Daddy's concern cradled me to deep slumber in no time.
Lesson number six - Parents know best. They just know how to make everything okay. I still feel safest around them.
When Mommy and I got to the hospital, I was bombarded with so many questions that anxiety started to hover over me. There were so many things to rule out and so many procedures to undergo just to make sure nothing's wrong with me. After 1 urine test, 1 painful blood test, several moments of endless going around, a hoopla of excruciating minutes of examination and questioning from the OB-Gyne, Surgeon and Resident Doctor, a number of text exchanges with Rye who's asking me to be still and stay strong, and finally, after 4 hours of waiting... they concluded that it must be.... Premenstrual Sydrome. Yes, good ol' PMS. It felt weird because on one hand, after such a long time of patient waiting, I wanted to hear something more grave than PMS to make my stay in the ER, err, more worthwhile. On the other hand, I felt quite relieved that it was nothing serious. Clap*Clap! And I just want to thank Mommy for being with me through everything.
So what do I learn from all of this?
Lesson number seven - that the 4 hours of waiting were just necessary. Why? Because it was important for these doctors to precisely and accurately determine the root cause of the problem - the reason of my pain.. they had to rule out what's it's not in order to find out what it is. They had to examine me thoroughly and pass me from one doctor to the next, to my dismay, like a ping pong ball. They had to extract 2 humongous vials of blood and a jar of pee... Just to be sure. Because only when they do all these essential things will they be able to treat me accordingly. It's the very reason why we go to the doctor and painstakingly wait for the line to ease up when we're sick because we want to find out what's wrong with us so we can get the right medication. In the same way,
we cannot expect to get well if we don't know where the problem is coming from. And once we acknowledge the problem, we'll know what to do next and find the right solution to it.
A side lesson (
lesson number eight) from this experience is that
healing takes time. Whether it's a physical or emotional affliction, we need time to heal all wounds. Give yourself time to feel and to heal. It's okay. We cannot rush it.
And through it all, the
most valuable lesson I learned is how much
I need God in my life.. not just now, but each and every breathing moment He blesses me with. I have been away for so long that this is yet another attempt to pull me back into His arms no matter how proud, self-reliant, and stubborn I have become. I am willing to go back now. I missed You, Lord.
As I weather all these physical and emotional battles, I only need to rely on Him for His unbeatable strength and for His endless love. Yes, His perfect love drives out all fears, doubts, worries, anxieties and pains. All I need is Him.
All I need is YOU, Lord.
I am getting better now. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I know Healing is on its way.
I am thankful once again that He has given me the inspiration to write.
Ciao!
August 3
8:19pm
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