I initially thought that my leave of absence from writing is because of plain laziness but upon closer inspection, maybe it's because I just have too much stuff buzzing through my head these days that it's become a tedious job to put them all into writing. At this point, I still do not know what to write about or which aspect of my life is worth focusing my energy and effort on. I guess the best thing to do as always is just let my thoughts flow and keep on typing. I plan to go wherever my mind takes me.
***
Things have been pretty light the past days. Professors have been nothing but understanding, foregoing final papers and exams that would have meant several all-nighters for me. Good for us students, I know, but the reason behind such acts is just far saddening and traumatic. Not that I was directly affected by the great flooding, but the vicarious trauma it left in me lives on. Seeing those images of water, mud, fear and destruction was just heartbreaking. If only I could play God and scoop all those people from the raging current and the instant pools that poofed out of nowhere, I would; but I can only do so much from where I was those days. A part of me has been wanting to write about my Ondoy experience, almost getting stranded in Ateneo, getting stuck in New Manila for several days and all, but a greater part refuses to do so and bring life to what had happened once more. With that, I leave it be. I am just glad that my family, friends, and loved ones are safe and I feel blessed (and also a bit guilty) to have a house that's still intact here in the mountains. I continue to pray for all those who survived the Great Storm that was. No matter how disheartened it may have left you, let the Lord wipe away each tear and caress your wounded heart. Things will get better soon. He will make the sun shine again and the rainbow color the sky.
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On a lighter note, I just got an email from Queena Lee-Chua, my professor in Education Psychology, that my paper, together with the papers of several classmates, will appear in her column in Inquirer on October 25. I wasn't really expecting this, but this is just cool. I also got a 97 in my midterm take home exam - pure essay, what do you say?! Again, totally unexpected but I took all of these as a sign to start writing again. Hence, this entry is coming to be.
***
We had our last Group Therapy session last Friday and all I can say is that it helped me in many ways. I finally had the chance to come into terms with myself once more and I discovered a lot about who I am, what I have become, and how I can be better. I started this sem with much apprehension about this class because it I knew it would entail me disclosing personal information and stories to people I barely knew. I also felt that I am pretty much okay since I have had BLD Youth helping me get past my personal issues and all. But I was wrong... I realized that I need all the help I can get. I realized how I needed to lower my pride and accept the fact that I am and will always be a work-in-progress, with the self under construction. I realized how growth and change are both continuous processes; not because you've tasted one victory, there won't be new hurdles to overcome. These realizations opened me up to such a unique opportunity to be "counseled" by my very kind professor, Dr. Lota Teh, and my 11 other classmates. Looking back, it lived up to it's name and became my therapy at the end of each busy, stressful week.
The greatest lessons I got out of our sessions concerned my issues about my identity, my relationships, and my 2 most favorite questions of all time, "What if...?" and "What will happen next?." At this point of transition and change in my life, I have become anxious once again with the uncertainty the future brings. I have written about my 5-year plan several times but I cannot still figure it out completely. Somehow, I am already feeling the pressure to commit to this one job or this one path, but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with what I am doing, but there's this teeny-weeny tinge of doubt that tells me, this is not yet it. The unsureness, no matter how little it may be, is killing me. You see, I've always had this compulsion over the future that I tend to look way ahead into the great unknown. And if I don't get the answers I needed or was expecting, intense fear, doubt, and worry would immediately cloud my mind and burden my heart. Ma'am Lota knew that this is the part in me that has been troubling my spirit and she led me there when it was my turn to speak up. I felt instantly better when several of my classmates started speaking up and sharing to the class that they feel the same way and have had similar experiences as mine. It was relieving to know that I am not alone in this fight and that immediately gave me hope that I will eventually succeed, commit to something that I will love wholeheartedly, and get the answers that I have been seeking for so long. One even shared how she gave up medicine (with just 1 more year to go) in search of that one thing that she knows she was meant to do. In the end, she found it in Psychology and the happiness in her decision just resounds in her story. Someday, I know I will also get to that happy place of fulfillment and contentment. My heart and my Lord will take me there... I just know. Though fear sometimes lingers in my mind, I gained a renewed sense of hope and appreciation for what I have now. And at this moment, I plan to make the most of my present because all these experiences will take me to that one thing that I know I was meant to do. I go back once again to my favorite verse from Jeremiah -
“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you…"
This verse always comes with a reassuring hug from my Savior. It never fails to lift me up.
One more gem I received from Group Therapy is finally realizing why I went back to school to pursue my Masters in Psychology. It came as a bomb and I was very pleased with the explosion of purpose it has stirred in me. I went back to study again not because I want to be a great teacher or a credible psychologist, but because I need to be a better person and I thirst for greater healing to come to my life. I learned that my classes have been my individual therapy sessions because every class has given me new and valuable insights to help me heal and which have made me desire to grow and improve in all aspects of my life. Only when I am healed and completely at peace with myself will I be able to help others heal and be at peace with themselves. This desire to be of service to others fuels me to resolve whatever conflict that continues to reside in me and will eventually help me discover what I really want to do and to whom I want to be of service. After all, we really cannot give what we do not have.
***
Our term as youth pentacord officially ended last October 7, 2009 when the new set of youth leaders were anointed during the mass at SDSA. I am just overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude, peace, and love for the 3 years that were and filled with great hope for the 3 years to be.
Praise God for Jayme, Pia, Adrian, Ave and Andrew! Being a penta was one of the greatest surprises and blessings from the Lord and I am sure that it will also be for you. The 3 years won't be free from challenges and heartaches, but the Lord is faithful to His promises and His grace will truly abound no matter what. Keep in mind that "whoever the Lord appoints, He anoints. This line, which Dreus imparted to us when we emerged as your pentacord three years, back fueled my passion to serve the best I could. In faith, I believe that the Lord's favor resides in your heart and blessings will just pour in the ministry through your leadership. Working in the Lord's vineyard is such an extraordinary experience. It is serious business, but never forget to enjoy each moment of it!
For me, it's time to let go and move forward. I refuse to say move on as others would say because my heart will always be with the youth for this is where the Lord nurtured me and made me flourish to my capacities. So much has happened in the past 8 years that I have been in the youth ministry and I am truly grateful for everything that the Lord has blessed me with. For the past 8 intense years of passionate worship and service... and to more! I am ready to be surprised once again, dear Lord. I leave it up to you.
***
Whew. Done.
I actually missed writing.
Thank you, Lord, for stirring up the writer in me once again.
Ciao!
October 19, 2009
10:22pm
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