Who Am I?

I am Maria Anna Katrina M. Fernandez.

I was given the nickname Trina as a kid but for some reason used Katrina the moment I stepped into school. I actually didn’t like my name for 2 reasons: 1) it’s such a common name (as my mom said, it was “uso” during my time), and 2) it’s difficult to pronounce – try it! “Tr” is a very challenging consonant blend especially when you’re a kid. Proof: some of my students call me Teacher Twina or Tlina. Haha. Anyway… Towards the latter part of my 1st year in High School, I was given a new name. Just like how God made Abram, Abraham or Saul, Paul, or Jacob, Israel, it sort of marked newness in my life.

You see, I was (or am?) a very insecure girl. Yes, there came a point in my life when I had so much drama in my life. Yes, I was “Emo” even before the teenagers of today coined the term. I didn’t like my life. Actually, a better term is hated. I hated myself, my family, my world, my life and everything in it. And of course, there was the hurting part… not the bloody type, but the more emotional, crying-everyday, swollen-eyes type and the banging-the-head-on-the-wall and slapping-the-self type (How pathetic! I know!). Come to think of it now, I think I was the one who created such drama in my head. I felt unloved, unimportant, unappreciated but only because I thought so.

Back to the story…
The new name sort of signaled my redemption. What exactly is that name? It’s actually senseless and weird-sounding, born out of boredom in class one day – Nanafer, which later evolved into Nana. (yes, Nana as in old woman, nanny, yaya… or worst, pus. Depends on how you pronounce it. Haha.) So where the heck did it come from? As I said, it came to be because we were bored. I think the teacher was absent. With nothing to do, we began playing around with our names – twisting, turning, splitting, jumbling, murdering our names (What an activity! Yes, we were good girls… no, borderline nerds. Haha!) until they sounded a okay. CELINE became the reversed ELINEC, ROMEE became the reversed EEMOR (sounds like Eeyore), and mine was the most murdered one, it became the topsy turvied NANAFER (anNA katriNA FERnandez). Not really an interesting one! Haha. So why in the world did such a weird name become my saving grace? Because I somehow felt brand new and that I could still start anew. I finally decided to forego of the drama I allowed to badger my life and be a new person, a happier person. Because of that, I found friends, appreciated my family more, began loving the life I have been blessed with. A couple of years after I made that important decision, I also encountered the Lord and came to love Him as He ought to be through the BLD Youth Ministry (that’s another long story. Next time!).

When I left the school with an upside down tree for a uniform, I retained my new name (dropping the FER) since several of my friends from High School went to UP Psych. It would seem odd if I introduce myself as Katrina while they refer to me as Nana. So UP basically knows me as Nana.

By the time I started working, I underwent a momentary identity crisis. I was torn between using my school name, Nana or my real name, Katrina. Nana sounded so kiddie that I knew it did not have a place in the Corporate World. Katrina had 3 syllables and was difficult to say over the phone. So I decided to go with Trina, my beloved childhood name, a name used by people who are closest to me (family, Rye, BLD, the Lord?.. In retrospect, when I met the Lord through BLD Youth and committed myself to Him, I became known in the ministry as Trina as well.)

After 10 months of agonizing pain and too much shopping, and finally acknowledging in my heart that the Corporate World is not my kind of world, I pursued a dream that I initially put on hold – to minister to the young, more specifically, to kids. I have become Teacher Trina. And now as I am starting to realize my dreams, I deeply prefer to let the world call me the true me. I am Trina.

(Hence, I also name this site Trina.)

Now, I have come back to where I came from. Trina is who I am and who I will always be. Trina is my identity, and the person God created me to be. Alongside with this U-turn, I have also gone back to the dreams I’ve always had for myself but somehow pushed aside because of the drama, the failures, and the chaos in my life (which I will bit by bit share through this blog). And I know it’s time to realize them, slowly but surely, one at a time. After all, I cannot fool myself into being or becoming something or someone I am not (believe me!).

What’s in a name really? Why did I just rant about names in my very 1st blog entry? Because I realize now that our names are important aspects of who we are. Yep, the literal meaning of one’s name may not really define who he or she is in terms of personality, physical features, values, beliefs, whatsoever. Our names may not encapsulate the totality of our beings but come to think of it, when someone asks “Who are you?” you’d immediately reply “I am (insert name here)” right? You see, one of the earliest manifestations of self-awareness in a child is recognizing that he is called by a certain label or name. The ability to call himself by name and others by their names, and therefore separating who he is from another is indeed a developmental milestone!

As for me, because of the evolution and revolution of my name, I have come to (partially, of course) discover and see who I was, who I am and what I have become.