Last Saturday, Rissa Singson-Kawpeng, Ed-in-Chief of Kerygma Magazine, visited the youth to talk about the 5 love languages. It's actually not a new concept to me. Mommy asked the whole family to take the quiz before after attending a parent seminar in my sisters' school. Nonetheless, I couldn't remember the results anymore.
Rissa gave a short and simple yet appealing talk and it's a good thing Rye was beside me that time. It was his last day in Manila, our last day together before his 4-month stint in Naga. I loved how she used the metaphor of a love tank, and that love tank can only be filled through a specific love language, through your love language. True... diesel for diesel cars, gasoline for gasoline cars, electricity for electric cars... or else the car won't move a single inch. You get the idea. No matter how hard one tries to fill up a tank with gas that doesn't correspond to the one it needs, the car simply won't start. And the driver is surely left frustrated.
I now realize that many of our petty and big fights over the years are rooted in the very same concept. It's because we don't speak the same love language. Miscommunication really leads to frustration. And frustration can transform anyone into a monster, just like The Hulk. This is not to imply that those with incompatible love languages shouldn't be together or have 0% chance to make things work. It's actually a matter of recognizing each other's distinct love language and trying to understand why a certain message doesn't get across no matter how many times you explain your side. When awareness comes, action follows. It's not that you don't love each other. It's just that you don't express that love in the same way as the other. To put it simply, one is speaking Chinese, while one is speaking French -- that even if you blab and chatter all day, you simply won't get the message right. Right? With that,
awareness is key. By realizing that one speaks Chinese and the other French, you become conscious of the difference and you then commit to do your part in order for understanding to flourish between the two of you. When awareness comes,
action follows.
Our heads were bobbing the whole time as Rissa continued with her talk. We couldn't help but agree. Rye would always tell me how he is working really really hard each day for me, for our future, and it makes him feel bad when I don't recognize all that he does for me. I, on the other hand, love to get that constant reassurance from him verbally, and would sometimes (? haha) feel bad when I don't hear from him constantly. Apparently, acts of service do not coincide with words of affirmation. The problem was not in the "loving" part, but in the expression. Knowing this, we now make that conscious effort to recognize these acts of love that might have seemed alien to us before and appreciate this novel language of love and the tremendous love that is sandwiched in it.
Another thing that Rissa mentioned was the difference between men and women's definition of CLOSENESS. Men define closeness as doing things together, without the actual engagement and interaction. Staying side by side while doing the same thing, is enough measure of friendship. It's similar to PARALLEL PLAY of Toddlers. They play with the same toys, stay in the same area, side by side, yet they don't talk, they don't interact, and they don't engage in the same plots. Nada. Women are more like the ASSOCIATIVE PLAY of Preschoolers, wherein they , engage in the same storylines, communicate with each other, and play
together, in its truest sense. Interaction is most important. Communication is vital. Eye contact is a must. I've seen this happen in real life a lot of times, maybe in mine, maybe in yours. To a guy, watching a movie with his girl means looking at the screen, paying attention to how the story unfolds. Period. To a girl, watching a movie with her guy means watching the movie with the intent of asking deep questions that could facilitate conversation later on. The movie doesn't end as soon as the credits pop on the screen. Haha. This is not to say that women are more developmentally advanced than men. We are simply different.
Though Rye and I may not define CLOSENESS the same way, we both agree on the concept of having Quality Time. QT. Yes, that feeling of closeness that we share is enough to fill up our love tanks to the brim. I know the next four months would be challenging but Quality Time need not be physical. We might be miles away from each other right now but our love tanks are definitely full and constantly being replinished with our commitment to make this work.
Thinking about it now, I think we prepared ourselves well for this, which is a good thing. Actually, Rye has prepared me well. We have agreed that for as long as it's for one's personal advancement, we won't get in the way. IPH. In Pursuit of Happiness -- has become our motto.
We both knew that this time would come, that this assignment would happen at one point or another. If this happened a few years back, I must have gone wild and hysterical. Yeah, knowing me, the whole drama -- tears and all, because I am such a big sucker for change. I don't take changes quite easily. However, I was actually and surprisingly okay when Rye told me about it. I was even more concerned about how he felt about it. Yes, we did shed some tears (cheesy, I know) even if we promised not to, but deep inside I just felt that we would be okay. That even if this turns out to be a 2 year permanent assignment, we would still be fine. I guess I can safely and proudly say that after 6 years, I am now secure in this relationship, I am secure with myself and I have full trust in Rye and in Us. But I am going to take this 1 step at a time. It's just Day 3 after all. =)
I thank the Lord for allowing us to be there at that very moment. We actually came right on time... as in a second before Rissa was introduced. We were late because I helped Rye pack, thus, missing the worship. It was just the right pabaon for the both of us before we started this new chapter. Yeah, 4 months might seem so short. But we've never been apart for such a long time in our 6 years together. The longest time apart that we had was 1 month... we were fasting then. And so far, so good.
I'll see you in May, Rye.
Till then, let's continue filling up our love tanks the best way we can!
Ciao!
Test Results:
Percent - Language - Score
30% Words of Affirmation - 9
37% Quality Time - 11
3% Receiving Gifts - 1
10% Acts of Service - 3
20% Physical Touch - 6
How to Interpret Your Profile Score
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bi-lingual(you have two Primary love languages). If the scores of your primary language and your secondary language are close(for example, 10 and 9 respectively), it indicates both are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12.
Having a clear picture of your primary and secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior. Think back over the past and ask yourself, "What have I most often requested of my partner?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary and secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love. Your requests, however, might have come across as nagging or criticizing and thus drove your spouse away.
Take the 5 Love Languages test: http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
Posted by
