Rationalizing My Irrational Fears

I've been meaning to blog the past few days but for some reason, I did not manage to push through with it. For some reason, I'd click the blog button but ended up closing it everytime. I guess I couldn't think of anything decent to write about. What makes this day different that I found myself actually typing? I don't know. I just decided to start typing and stop thinking so much. So here I am, just letting my thoughts flow...

Last week was one of my busiest weeks this semester. If everything had to happen in a week, that would be last week. We had our very first PTC for this school year in the Preschool, and my very first as a Lead Teacher. Thought I only needed to prepare reports for 4 kids, pressure kept creeping in. I've always been scared to face parents... Scared that they'll tell me straight in the face that their children are not learning anything... Scared that they'll shove bad news down my throat that I am not doing a good job. But lo and behold, everything went well. The parents were happy with the progress of their kids. I was just letting my fears, my irrational fears eat me alive.

With all the things I had to do for my kids' PTC, I had little time to write my paper and study for my exam in one of my classes in Ateneo, which happened the day after the PTC. To make matters worse, we had to stay in the preschool right after we finish our parent meetings to rearrange and fix the classroom, and I had class at night - Group Therapy. My initial plan was to stay in the preschool till 3pm so I still have a couple of hours to cram read. But NO. We ended just a few minutes before 5pm and traffic was hilariously not cooperating. Traffic going to Katipunan was just bad. When Kara and I got to Ateneo with half an hour to spare, the weather, this time, was not a team player either. It was raining like there's no tomorrow. We waited awhile in the car, with high hopes that the gloom in the skies will vanish. But NO. At 6pm, we had to brave the rains for the sake of making it to class. And yes, we got soaked... more like DIPPED in cold dirty water. By the time we made it to our classroom, my pants were soaked up to the knees. But wait, there's more! The surprises were pouring as hard as the heaven's cries. There were only 3 left to share that night - Me, Kara, and Queenie, who was not yet there. Since I knew I'll be late for class or be absent the following Friday because of the wedding, I had to volunteer to go first. I was hesitant to share my life at first... Once again, I was letting my irrational fears cloud my judgment. I was scared to be judged, to be criticized, to be questioned and forced to answer something I am not ready to answer. But I am happy that I finally did it. I learned a lot that night.

But then again, I still had a big problem - THE exam and THE paper that I haven't done anything about at that point. After such a long and wet day, sickness and stress were making their annoying presence felt. I read a couple of chapters for some time and finally surrendered to slumber's screams. I woke up a few hours later to continue studying and to write my paper. Morning came by fast and I just had to close my books and turn off the computer. It was time to go. I was scared, yet again, because I knew I made a crappy paper and did not study well for the exam... plus, lack of sleep and the rain finally caught up with me. I was not feeling well - cough, colds, headache -- the triple threat. I was not in the best condition to take my exam but I had to. And I did. I practically breezed through the test that I was first to submit my exam. In the end, I hated myself for stressing over about it because I think I did not do as bad as I thought I would. Fears, fears, fears, down the drain you go.

I went home after right away and rested the whole day. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to Reese's 1st Birthday Party because of my condition. I had to be better for the big day the following morning. God intended me to be there, at the St. Scho LSS, that I had to be there no matter what. I was coughing like an old machine up to the last minute. I was storming the heavens to make the cough go away because how could I lead the Lambs Prep with an itchiest throat and the croakiest voice. I did everything I humanly could - popping countless herbs and pills into my mouth, sucking on the most powerful lozenge that numbs the throat, drowning my insides with water... But nothing worked. Again, fear was starting to put its dark cloak on me. But I did not let it stop me, God did not let it stop me. I was there because I had a purpose and the Lord saw me through and allowed me to fulfill that purpose that he gave me no matter how unworthy and incapable I was at that moment. It was powerful. He was powerful all throughout. Indeed, He is made strong in my weakness. Thank you, Lord.

Nonetheless, my irrational fears continued to pester me like a plague and instead of shooing them away, I continued to feed them. That same night, Rye and I reached our boiling point. I won't go into the details but my irrational fears about our relationship was indeed the fire beneath the pot. These fears have not done me any good at all. It's time to put out the flames despite how difficult and challenging that may be. If not, I'll be left in the dark and actually let those fears become my life. And that would be the saddest.

I know. It's about time to stop being scared... to stop living in fear and start living. Period.
It's about time to be brave, to be more daring, to be more confident and comfortable with myself, in my relationships, with the now and the future. I know it will be hardwork, but I have to do it before everything in my life crumbles to pieces. It's about time to TRUST, to feel secure, to be content with what I have and to learn how to recognize when something is more than enough or needs a further push.

Ciao!
8:38pm
September 1

Happy 80th month! :)
I love you.