It's Okay. It Will Be Okay.

I've been going through an emotional roller coaster ride the past days. No. Weeks. Actually, months. This has been going on for quite a while already and I know it's not healthy anymore and not doing me any good.

The stress that this sem has brought upon my life is pretty overwhelming that things are getting ugly. Research Sem is at the top of my list of stressful whatnots. To think it's not even thesis proper... but the thought that I have to stick to one thing, to commit to one topic for the next year and a half has deprived me of rest and sleep these days.

But I know it's not just the subject. This semester marked the end of my coursework. This semester meant that it's (almost) thesis time. This semester meant that I need to take my comprehensive exams this summer. Which just means byebye, Life. The pressure is on. The pressure is slowly killing me inside.

"Stick to the plan, Trina." has become my mantra. Time is ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock. 3 years is almost up. "The goal is to add letters to your name in the shortest time possible, remember?" I had to remind myself each day.

But...

Is it all worth it? What have I gotten myself into? I've constantly asked myself and bothered Rye with such pervasive questions and thoughts. The answer came tonight.

I need to stop rushing through life.

Since I quit my corporate job and decided to go back to school, I had my life mapped out for the next 3 years or so and committing to THE plan has not been so easy. Juggling a day job that extends to the night and being a grad student at the same time haven't been a breeze, as I thought it would be. Everyday, I pant and gasp for air. Everyday, I run and rush to do this and that. Everyday, I let life pass before my very eyes as I wallow in my discontent and distract myself with the endless tasks to accomplish. Everyday, I ask myself why I ended up here and what for?

Now, I have decided to finally stop...
to take time to breathe..
and give myself a chance to figure things out.

I know in the end, it will do me good. In faith, I know I am making the right choice.

Quitting or giving up, I believe, is not always an act of failure or a sign of weakness. Actually, it takes great courage to do such thing. Sometimes, we need to let go of a relationship, just so to save ourselves from further pain. Sometimes, we need to quit a job, just so we can end up in a better one. Sometimes, it pays to quit at the right time with the hope that it would lead to greater things.

I checked my calendar, and the timing is just perfect. It's like God, reassuring me once again that I can relax for a bit... that it's okay. It will be okay, I have nothing to worry.

Deadline to withdraw is on December 12. Deadline to get the form is on December 9. I have this week to fix everything... and the rest of the semester to take a breather from all these.

The best thing about this is I am at peace. I think I will be able to sleep well tonight. Finally, I don't need to set my alarm at 3am as I have for the past months. Finally, I get to rest tonight.

Thank you, Lord. I know you're on my side. Always.

Ciao!

11:49pm
December 6, 2009