It took a week of contemplating and months of stress to get to that point. Rye has been concerned for the longest time because I utter nothing but complaints and breathe stress these days. I know he only wishes me to be HAPPY. Now, I feel relieved for taking that bold step. People may not understand my reasons or may see it as running away from my responsibilities as a grad student, but I am happy with my decision.
Withdrawing does have its implications. My adviser had to reiterate that this will delay me in my grad track. Same concern was echoed to me by the Psych Dept. Chair. Beneath all this, I saw their "panghihinayang" for me cos I'm almost there, but honestly... not quite. I was about to bend to their advise for me to continue (the people-pleaser within me was nudging me to back out already) but I gathered the strength that’s left in me to stand firm with my decision. Yes, it will delay me for at least a year but at this point, I'm tired of rushing into things. I want to slow down. I finished my coursework in 3 semesters while having an almost full-time job with the hope of finishing this in the shortest span of time possible but look at me now... unable to catch my breath anymore. I'm running around headless, couldn't focus, overwhelmed.
I want time out. I want time to think, to discover, to contemplate, to know what it is it in my heart and where I'm headed to.
The Dept. Chair even gave me her two cents worth... emphasizing that going to Grad School is a COMMITMENT. Yes, I know that and I am not running away from it. I still intend to finish what I have started, but this time, using my watch, and not other people's timers. More than that commitment to study, I realized today that I also have a COMMITMENT to myself... to my own happiness, to building a future that I want, that will make me and others happy, too.
From this decision to withdraw from my initial plans, withdrawal symptoms are already manifesting. Since yesterday, I've been so tempted to map out my ‘revised’ plan for the next months and years, now that things have gone to a different path. I am really trying my best not to because I know it will just leave me frustrated and stressed even more. The desire for things within me and in my life to get better is now stronger. If Rye has his RPM Project (check out his blog: http://ryematignas.blogspot.com) - an effort to a sexier new Rye, this is now what I call the TMF Project - with the goal of becoming a better me. Haha!
On my way to Bo's Coffee (where I am typing this right now) after finishing the paperwork (load revision, going back and forth from Psych Dept, Grad Office, Cashier and Registrar), I came upon this thought and convinced myself that FOR ONCE, I WANT TO NOT HAVE A PLAN. I guess that’s alright, right? I say that with some internal struggle and discomfort. It can take some time getting used to but I want to stick to that plan for now. Haha. See, I told you it’s hard!
I am reminded of a tweet I got from John Mayer's page:
"Go easy on you. When things go wrong, remind yourself it's your first time through this life."
I haven't been the kindest to myself lately. I need to realize that it's okay to make mistakes, to get derailed from THE PLAN from time to time, to fail, to stumble… We learn from experience.
I guess it's safe to say that I am learning.
Ciao!
4:49pm
December 10, 2009
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