Enjoying the Holidays!

It's been a great holiday week for me! So far, this has been the most eventful one in my life. Weee! :)

Went to Tagaytay and Lago de Oro with Rye and his friends yesterday and looking forward to another trip to Anilao this Saturday. 7th Year Celebration tomorrow and Angels' Party on Sunday. I'm booked! I can finally feel Daddy and Mommy slowly loosening their grip from their eldest daughter's hands, although I must say they're still not ready to completely let go. The idea of going out with Rye on New Year's Day (after "putukan") is still a blurry one for him. I tried, but I guess it's not yet time to change holiday traditions at this point. Anyway, I am happy as it is and didn't force the issue anymore. In time, I know they will let me. I remember Rye saying something like 'Pagbigyan mo na Daddy mo. Siya muna ngayon, kasi you're mine forever." Haha. Naks... Gumaganoooown!

I've been with Rye since Christmas Day and will continue to see him until January 3. The longest streak ever in our 7 years of existence.. and I am not complaining. Blame it on the new car! Congratulations, Rye! Good job!

Just a rundown of our activities...

December 23, XOXO Christmas Party
This is by far the most intense Christmas Party everrrrr. Hahaha. Everyone, well except the so plain prom couple, went all out with the disney costumes. Troy and Gabriella made up for their so plain costume by having their own tarp printed. Haha!

Intensity captured:

Because Rye was in Palawan that time, I made his ultimate dream of dressing up as Pooh a reality. It was really a spontaneous and impulsive decision that made me win the much-coveted KABUHAYAN SHOWCASE! Haha. I was supposed to go as Minnie Mouse or Belle from Beauty and the Beast.. But when I saw the yellow tights in SM, I felt a sudden rush that I just had to buy those. And lo and behold, the BEST COSTUME of the night with Piglet and my hunny pot:

The Winners!
Russel (1st Runner up), Cruela De Vil (2nd Runner up) & Best Costume Awardee Pooh, with her KABUHAYAN SHOWCASE.

I still can't believe I pulled that off. The jungle that is Market! Market and the annoying traffic that we went through was all worth it when I made my walk down the stairs, complete with my big tummy, props, and all. Making everyone laugh that moment was the best gift. Intense talaga! I love XOXO! Till next year!!

December 24, Brgy. Mendoza Christmas Eve Celebration
Our yearly get-together was made more intense by the intense games we had. I now know where the intensity everyone saw during the Youth Camp games came from! Haha. This was it.

The theme was Pinoy Christmas! Never knew Igi collected Philippine flags. Yes, that big one in the background is also his.

As usual, lamon galore before the clock struck 12. Got 3 gifts (mahina na talaga! haha.) and some cash from my 'ninongs'-slash-drunk uncles. Haha. We had our usual Hacienda Exchange gift. My Kabuhayan Showcase Gift, which Mae got, included a clock, kitkat chocolate and a bottle of The Bar. I got a palette of Lipgloss and hand sanitizer from Mae.

When we got home from San Pedro, we had our very first Fernandez Exchange gift. I got 2 tops from Mommy. Mommy got a bag from me. Kitkat got a pink journal and a set of Stabilo colored pens from Robby. Robby got earphones from Mico. Mics got a Nike shirt from Maan. Maan got 1000 bucks from Daddy. Daddy got a certificate from Ryan which entitled him to 8 movie passes, and Rye got a Springfield shirt from Kitty. It was fun! Next year ulet ha?!

December 25, Christmas Day
Rye went straight to our house from Cable Car. He's now known to the guards as Daddy's pamangkin because everytime we make bilin that he's coming in the wee hours of the morning, Daddy would say "Dadating yung pamangkin ko, si Ryan Matignas. Papasukin mo nalang." I don't know why. In denial pa din ba after all these years? Hahaha. He's funny like that.

Rye and I forced Mico to open his gift from us when we woke up. We gave him a pair of polka dot boxers and a DVD of Meet the Parents. Spent the morning watching it. Ben Stiller is just so funny! We love him!

Lunch with the Fernandez Clan - Mamita, Mama's family and Tita Precious' family.
We had Turkey, shepherd's pie, callos, and pasta. Made my special dessert - Oreo Banana Cream Pie, which was a hit.

My Oreo Banana Cream Pie. Rye had 10 servings that day!

Not ready... TAKAW kasi!
The Aga Muhlach Shirt. Mommy's yearly gift to Rye.

3 Generations of Fernandezes
(MIA - Tito Haj)

Highlight of the Day: During gift giving - Mamita to Rye: "Utang muna yung Christmas gift ko ah?"

Yes naman, friends na sila after 7 years!

Spent the rest of the day bumming around with Kit and Maan. Heard mass at 6:15 at the Cathedral and bought cheap toys (launchers with blue lights for 20 bucks each) outside the church. These toys kept us busy and sweating for around 30 minutes until they got destroyed one by one. Rye, Mico and Rob decided to play some ball after. Rye still got his moves. I am so proud.. Watch it!



By the way, we had dinner at Max's! I love their sizzling tofu! Never-ending kainan during the holidays... I warn you, more to come, more to come...

December 26, Tita Cora's Birthday Lunch
Left Antipolo early to make it to Better Living by 9am. We were supposed to drive thru Jollibee for some Pancake Sandwiches but Rye missed the stop along C5. It really wasn't meant cos Tita Cora made super yummy lasagna. Bought some pandesal instead from this bakery where Rye used to buy bread as a kid. Lasagna and hot pandesal = perfect combination :)

Highlight of the morning: Rye's neighbor, Tito Danny (Yes, nakiki-Tito! Haha) caught a snake somewhere in Better Living. Scary!

Philippine Python from China St.

We had lunch at SIS Restaurant, Dampa (along Macapagal). Yummy sweet chili crabs, buttered shrimp, crispy fried tilapia, adobong pusit, and sinigang na fish! Seafood fiesta!! Busog na busog, sumakit tuloy ulo ni Reinier. Finally got to meet Santi, his girlfriend.

The Yummy FOOD!

Reinier, Santi & Ate Ampee

Birthday Girl Tita Cora, Me & Ryan

Bought some DVDs from the nearby store. Movie marathon! Weeee!

After the filling lunch, Rye and I went to Rockwell. He finally found the perfect pair of jeans from Levi's. He couldn't get over it the whole afternoon that I wanted to punch him already! Hahaha. He was beaming with gladness.. like a little boy who got the toy he wanted from Santa. Cute but annoying after some time (I love you, bubbs!). Haha.

We were supposed to have dinner with the family at Seoul Barbeque at 630pm so we had merienda at Starbucks to ease the hungry tummies. After munching on some tuna pandesal, I got a text that dinner was moved to 730pm. It didn't take a minute for us to decide to eat ahead in Sango. Rye and I have this not so secret love affair with this burger joint.. Yummeh.

Sango is Love.

After yet another filling meal, we proceeded to Eastwood. Looked around for a bit and met up with the family. Rye bought the movie passes (his exchange gift to Daddy). We wanted to see I Love You, Goodbye but the parents wanted Mano Po, so Mano Po it is. They wanted us to see Beijing... Got to see Beijing for a few seconds towards the end of the movie! Good job. Mano po 6 was like a teleserye squeezed into 2 hours of film. Bad idea. The funniest parts werre when Sharon got arrested for camping out in front of her husband's family's house with no warrant of arrest, no investigation, no nothing, and when she was brought to the mental hospital, again, no questions asked, after doing it again. Love it. Pinoy movie at its best. Elch.

December 27, Sunday at Home
Rye was back in our home the next morning. We had a hearty breakfast of hotdogs, egg, and left-over Sizzling Tofu.

We just stayed at home the whole day and watched the DVDs we bought the day before. We all loved ZOMBIELAND! Cool movie! Watched Zoolander and this Parkour movie that Rye bought. Ben Stiller is really the best. "What is this, a center for ants?" hahaha. Laughtrip talaga.

Heard mass in San Antonio at 6pm and went to Shopwise after because Daddy wanted to buy chocolates! Filled our cart with fatty goodness once more. Too bad I wasn't able to capture it!

Our movie marathon resumed after dinner. We watched Revenge of the Nerds. We were supposed to watch Inglorious Bastards but Mico had a massage. We wanted to wait for him but our eyes became soooo heavy from all the eating we've had over the days. We decided to snooze for a bit and watch the film after the massage. The next thing we know, it was already morning. Oh, well.

December 28, Bum Day Monday
The Jimny got a taste of some offroad action that day. Rye and Mico headed to Perfecto's Farm, Tito Tony's farm in Tagaytay. I didn't go with them because Mico said that it was just for the boys. Later on, I found out that the only boys there was him, Rye, Patrick, Tito Tony and Gabe. Mia and Mae slept over as well. I should've gone with them!
They got to taste Tito Tony's Wagyu Beef Fillet Mignon and Salpicao, while Kit and I munched on junk back at home!

For Maan, Kit and me, it was just a Bum Day Monday. Watched the entire Season 1 of Glee. That was how bored we were. Maan and I have a crush on that mohawk guy, Puck. Haha. Just sharing. We all love the songs. The worst part of this day was - chomping down on some cookies, chips, chocolates, and instant noodles. Lagot. But who cares! It's the Christmas Season. According to Rye, it's Holiday Appetitis. Haha! Tsktsk.

***

I shall end my entry here for now and continue my holiday recap soon...
Mommy's badgering us to take a bath now. Off to San Pedro in a bit for our annual New Year's Eve party.

For now, I shall say goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010 with a big smile.
Cheers to the year (and decade) that has gone and the year (and decade) to come!

Ciao!
2:48pm
December 31, 2009

Starbucks Planner 2009

Got my planner already... Got it last week, when we had coffee at Fullybooked, BHS, after Mommy and Daddy's 25th Anniversary Dinner at Gaudi, Serendra.


I'm not a fan of this year's design but will use it nonetheless. Hehe. Sayang!

Now, I have no more excuse to get expensive coffee! Time to cut down on sweet, creamy stuff anyway. Maybe I should learn to drink black coffee, which according to Rye has 0 calories. Hmmm.

You can do this, Trina.

Disclaimer: Sorry for the crappy phone photos. My camera got submerged in Palawan sea water. Underwater case failed me last time. Tsk. Need to bring it to Canon soon.

Ciao!

Rye Day!

After 2 weeks, I finally got to see and spend the day with Rye! The sacrifices we make for this thing called LDR. Haha. Well, what we have is semi-LDR anyway. Still a blessing that he gets to go home on weekends, most of the time. I love Papa Nestle for Rye's chartered flights to and fro Palawan. Hahaha. Kidding. But yeah, it's like going to work in Makati, only you're riding a plane. Sosyal.

So back to the story...

I was startled with my phone's ring at around 345am. Looked outside my window and saw headlights approaching the curb. It was my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me. Not. Yeah, it was Rye, waking me up in the middle of the night only to doze off on my sister's empty bed (for some reason, Kit has been sleeping on the floor these days. Weird person.) after "partying" at Beaurau (that's his version of BUREAU. haha.) So after waking up to open the door for my love, I went back to bed to get more Zzzzzs. After an eye's blink, my mother dear came knocking on my door to wake me up once more for the village fun run scheduled at 530am. Oh, dear Lord. I wanted to bail but our other jogging mates namely Kitkat, Mico, and Rye, flaked on us already. Sheer determination to be fit again made me leap from my bed in an instant. Haha. I hope that was what happened... I begged for another 5 minutes of sleep and then hurried to the bathroom to change into my jogging attire. Couldn't find my running shoes so I was forced to wear Maan's thick gum sole filas. Why the heck did you buy that, dear sister?! It's ginormously bulky. But I had no choice.

I was the youngest person present. After 3 laps around the perimeter of the village, the oldies were sweaty and energized. Me, to no avail. I was feeling cold and dry. Fail.

Proceeded to the clubhouse for light breakfast and drinks. I drank 2 glasses of four seasons juice, a cassava suman, and 3 tiny pandesals with butter. I think I gained more than what I was supposed to lose that morning. Fail number 2.

Went home and found Rye on my bed wrapped like a burrito beneath my comforter. He was shivering like a poor puppy in my sisters' room because he didn't have a blanket nor a pillow pala. Wawa. After taking a bath, I went downstairs and saw Rye by the dining table reading the newspaper. We ended up wearing the same shirts... It wasn't planned, promised. It was kinda funny. We looked like an "asian couple" daw, according to him. But aren't we asians, dear? Oh well. (He initially said Koreans but changed it to Asians, which he said was politically and racially correct. Well, check his blog nalang - The RPM Project).

Here we are in our terno Jesus My Superhero shirts:


No food was prepared (which was unusual, maybe because of the fun run breakfast) so I figured he was already hungry. Yes, he was already hungry because he came to me and whispered to my ear that we cook breakfast. He was shy to say it aloud in front of Mommy. Haha. So we raided the fridge and saw a big pack of uncooked goodness called bacon waiting for us. Rye got a couple of eggs to cook. I also saw a jar of aligue beaming at me and brought it out nonetheless. Rye suggested that we make aligue rice. Sure! Haha. So much for dieting and the RPM Project. Fail number 3.

Here is the finished product:

Yummmm. Guilty (dieter) Ryan and Happy (cheater) Trina.

After our champion breakfast, Rye felt so guilty and forced me to walk! AGAIN. My feet hurt already so I said no. But finally, he was able to convince me to go out once more. It was a fun stroll around the village. It was the first time we did it, in fact. We were able to talk, hold hands, and see unusual birds (I was so used to seeing the brown maya birds all my life that I didn't realize the different colored birds that flew around in our village!). Then Rye's knee began to hurt again when we walked uphill so we decided to go back to the house.

Now, it was my time to force him into doing something! REVENGE TIME. I told him that we will watch either PS I Love You or Definitely, Maybe. Those were the only two options I gave him for movie time. His aversion to chick flicks was evident on his face. He tried to divert my attention by telling me to get the DVDs from my parents room, but I remained firm. He said that we already watched Definitely, Maybe (we? I don't think so. Sino naman kasama mo nun?! Haha. Straighten up your facts, Mister!!!) so we ended up with PS I Love You, which was my first choice anyway.



2 minutes after... Rye was laughing. We can so relate to the fight scene! Hahaha.

10 minutes into the film... Rye was weeeeping!! He asked for a tissue, tears running down his cheeks. Hahahaha.

30 minutes down.. "Why did he have to die?... Kala ko pa naman makaka-relate tayo dito. Bakit ako namatay? Huhuhuhu"

1 hour and counting... "Bakit kasi siya namatay? Nakakainis naman. Huhuhu"

Credits...
We were laughing our butts off already. He cried in 10 (or so?) separate scenes. Benta talaga! Hahaha.

Good movie indeed! Thanks, Love, for granting my request to see it with me. Don't worry, I was crying buckets as well when I watched it for the first time.

Even if we agreed not to eat lunch anymore because of the super heavy breakfast we just had, we went down and ate with the family anyway. Menudo then banana fritters for dessert. Fail number 4.

After the movie and lunch, we went back upstairs to hibernate and FB for a bit. Rye posted the Palawan pics finally. A couple of hours passed until we declared it was MAC and CHEESE TIME! Cream cheese, milk, all purpose cream, quickmelt cheese and everything in between went into that pot of cooked elbow macaroni. Rye said "parang bitin" which is why we brought out a bag of king size bright red hotdogs to fry and toasted some bread. Oh my, we're toast. Fail number 5.

Rye and I, together with the gang - Mico, Robby, Maan, and Kit, gobbled down every bit of cheese, pasta, crumb, and meat there were on the table. Good job, kiddos!

(Pics to follow! Haha. The camera is still with Maan who's stuck in the village Christmas Party. Key is to slowly fade away...)

By the time we finished eating our homemade mac and cheese, in all it's rich, cheesy, creamy, fatty goodness, toasted bread and hotdog, it was time for Rye to go home. He needed to be in Better by 530pm cos his sister needed the car to go to work. So much for his plans of playing basketball, running, and swimming. Haha. Fail number 6.

But today was not a failure at all ... Though our time was suddenly cut short, I loved every bit and moment of our day. Time spent well I must say. I missed him and I missed doing simple, uncomplicated, and ordinary things with him. No big plans , no grand expectations (right, Rye?).. this actually works.

Till next week! Let's go Christmas shopping on Saturday, what do you say? Then, Marathon on Sunday? Hmmmm.

So much activities during the holidays. And so much food. It's going to be tough but I will start the TMF Project 2 a.k.a. the TMF Fitness Plan. Thinking of doing the 14-day Nestle Fitnesse Challenge with Mommy and jogging every afternoon (well, at least 3 times each week)... But then again, Christmas is in 12 days. Oh my, I anticipate Fail number 7 happening soon. Haha!

***
Side dish: Excited to see The Killers with Rye in January. 7th Anniv treat! Yey! We need to get tickets first though. Haha.


Ciao!
9:46pm
December 13, 2009

The TMF Project

Today, I did something I have never done in my life... I withdrew from my class. Being the conscientious student that I admit to be, to drop a course is not in my vocabulary. But I did. So be it.

It took a week of contemplating and months of stress to get to that point. Rye has been concerned for the longest time because I utter nothing but complaints and breathe stress these days. I know he only wishes me to be HAPPY. Now, I feel relieved for taking that bold step. People may not understand my reasons or may see it as running away from my responsibilities as a grad student, but I am happy with my decision.

Withdrawing does have its implications. My adviser had to reiterate that this will delay me in my grad track. Same concern was echoed to me by the Psych Dept. Chair. Beneath all this, I saw their "panghihinayang" for me cos I'm almost there, but honestly... not quite. I was about to bend to their advise for me to continue (the people-pleaser within me was nudging me to back out already) but I gathered the strength that’s left in me to stand firm with my decision. Yes, it will delay me for at least a year but at this point, I'm tired of rushing into things. I want to slow down. I finished my coursework in 3 semesters while having an almost full-time job with the hope of finishing this in the shortest span of time possible but look at me now... unable to catch my breath anymore. I'm running around headless, couldn't focus, overwhelmed.

I want time out. I want time to think, to discover, to contemplate, to know what it is it in my heart and where I'm headed to.

The Dept. Chair even gave me her two cents worth... emphasizing that going to Grad School is a COMMITMENT. Yes, I know that and I am not running away from it. I still intend to finish what I have started, but this time, using my watch, and not other people's timers. More than that commitment to study, I realized today that I also have a COMMITMENT to myself... to my own happiness, to building a future that I want, that will make me and others happy, too.

From this decision to withdraw from my initial plans, withdrawal symptoms are already manifesting. Since yesterday, I've been so tempted to map out my ‘revised’ plan for the next months and years, now that things have gone to a different path. I am really trying my best not to because I know it will just leave me frustrated and stressed even more. The desire for things within me and in my life to get better is now stronger. If Rye has his RPM Project (check out his blog: http://ryematignas.blogspot.com) - an effort to a sexier new Rye, this is now what I call the TMF Project - with the goal of becoming a better me. Haha!

On my way to Bo's Coffee (where I am typing this right now) after finishing the paperwork (load revision, going back and forth from Psych Dept, Grad Office, Cashier and Registrar), I came upon this thought and convinced myself that FOR ONCE, I WANT TO NOT HAVE A PLAN. I guess that’s alright, right? I say that with some internal struggle and discomfort. It can take some time getting used to but I want to stick to that plan for now. Haha. See, I told you it’s hard!

I am reminded of a tweet I got from John Mayer's page:

"Go easy on you. When things go wrong, remind yourself it's your first time through this life."

I haven't been the kindest to myself lately. I need to realize that it's okay to make mistakes, to get derailed from THE PLAN from time to time, to fail, to stumble… We learn from experience.

I guess it's safe to say that I am learning.


Ciao!
4:49pm
December 10, 2009

Live. Laugh. Love.

Live well. Laugh often. Love Much.
Saw these words at the resto in Eastwood where Maiki and I had dinner last Friday.
Just a little reminder for me.

Thought of the song by Kris Allen, "Live Like We're Dying"...
Here's an excerpt:

Yeah, gotta start
Looking at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin’ it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day
To turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em while we got the chance to say,
Gotta live like we’re dying

It's Okay. It Will Be Okay.

I've been going through an emotional roller coaster ride the past days. No. Weeks. Actually, months. This has been going on for quite a while already and I know it's not healthy anymore and not doing me any good.

The stress that this sem has brought upon my life is pretty overwhelming that things are getting ugly. Research Sem is at the top of my list of stressful whatnots. To think it's not even thesis proper... but the thought that I have to stick to one thing, to commit to one topic for the next year and a half has deprived me of rest and sleep these days.

But I know it's not just the subject. This semester marked the end of my coursework. This semester meant that it's (almost) thesis time. This semester meant that I need to take my comprehensive exams this summer. Which just means byebye, Life. The pressure is on. The pressure is slowly killing me inside.

"Stick to the plan, Trina." has become my mantra. Time is ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock. 3 years is almost up. "The goal is to add letters to your name in the shortest time possible, remember?" I had to remind myself each day.

But...

Is it all worth it? What have I gotten myself into? I've constantly asked myself and bothered Rye with such pervasive questions and thoughts. The answer came tonight.

I need to stop rushing through life.

Since I quit my corporate job and decided to go back to school, I had my life mapped out for the next 3 years or so and committing to THE plan has not been so easy. Juggling a day job that extends to the night and being a grad student at the same time haven't been a breeze, as I thought it would be. Everyday, I pant and gasp for air. Everyday, I run and rush to do this and that. Everyday, I let life pass before my very eyes as I wallow in my discontent and distract myself with the endless tasks to accomplish. Everyday, I ask myself why I ended up here and what for?

Now, I have decided to finally stop...
to take time to breathe..
and give myself a chance to figure things out.

I know in the end, it will do me good. In faith, I know I am making the right choice.

Quitting or giving up, I believe, is not always an act of failure or a sign of weakness. Actually, it takes great courage to do such thing. Sometimes, we need to let go of a relationship, just so to save ourselves from further pain. Sometimes, we need to quit a job, just so we can end up in a better one. Sometimes, it pays to quit at the right time with the hope that it would lead to greater things.

I checked my calendar, and the timing is just perfect. It's like God, reassuring me once again that I can relax for a bit... that it's okay. It will be okay, I have nothing to worry.

Deadline to withdraw is on December 12. Deadline to get the form is on December 9. I have this week to fix everything... and the rest of the semester to take a breather from all these.

The best thing about this is I am at peace. I think I will be able to sleep well tonight. Finally, I don't need to set my alarm at 3am as I have for the past months. Finally, I get to rest tonight.

Thank you, Lord. I know you're on my side. Always.

Ciao!

11:49pm
December 6, 2009

Thanks, Ma'am Lota!

"... I hope that you will make Psychology your life's career. I believe that you will do well as a psychologist and you can make people believe in the relevance of our discipline in their lives. God bless."

- Ma'am Lota

It's Been So Long...

So much has happened in the past weeks and somehow, I managed not to document the frequent excursions of my mind after all that have come to pass.

I initially thought that my leave of absence from writing is because of plain laziness but upon closer inspection, maybe it's because I just have too much stuff buzzing through my head these days that it's become a tedious job to put them all into writing. At this point, I still do not know what to write about or which aspect of my life is worth focusing my energy and effort on. I guess the best thing to do as always is just let my thoughts flow and keep on typing. I plan to go wherever my mind takes me.

***

Things have been pretty light the past days. Professors have been nothing but understanding, foregoing final papers and exams that would have meant several all-nighters for me. Good for us students, I know, but the reason behind such acts is just far saddening and traumatic. Not that I was directly affected by the great flooding, but the vicarious trauma it left in me lives on. Seeing those images of water, mud, fear and destruction was just heartbreaking. If only I could play God and scoop all those people from the raging current and the instant pools that poofed out of nowhere, I would; but I can only do so much from where I was those days. A part of me has been wanting to write about my Ondoy experience, almost getting stranded in Ateneo, getting stuck in New Manila for several days and all, but a greater part refuses to do so and bring life to what had happened once more. With that, I leave it be. I am just glad that my family, friends, and loved ones are safe and I feel blessed (and also a bit guilty) to have a house that's still intact here in the mountains. I continue to pray for all those who survived the Great Storm that was. No matter how disheartened it may have left you, let the Lord wipe away each tear and caress your wounded heart. Things will get better soon. He will make the sun shine again and the rainbow color the sky.

***

On a lighter note, I just got an email from Queena Lee-Chua, my professor in Education Psychology, that my paper, together with the papers of several classmates, will appear in her column in Inquirer on October 25. I wasn't really expecting this, but this is just cool. I also got a 97 in my midterm take home exam - pure essay, what do you say?! Again, totally unexpected but I took all of these as a sign to start writing again. Hence, this entry is coming to be.

***

We had our last Group Therapy session last Friday and all I can say is that it helped me in many ways. I finally had the chance to come into terms with myself once more and I discovered a lot about who I am, what I have become, and how I can be better. I started this sem with much apprehension about this class because it I knew it would entail me disclosing personal information and stories to people I barely knew. I also felt that I am pretty much okay since I have had BLD Youth helping me get past my personal issues and all. But I was wrong... I realized that I need all the help I can get. I realized how I needed to lower my pride and accept the fact that I am and will always be a work-in-progress, with the self under construction. I realized how growth and change are both continuous processes; not because you've tasted one victory, there won't be new hurdles to overcome. These realizations opened me up to such a unique opportunity to be "counseled" by my very kind professor, Dr. Lota Teh, and my 11 other classmates. Looking back, it lived up to it's name and became my therapy at the end of each busy, stressful week.

The greatest lessons I got out of our sessions concerned my issues about my identity, my relationships, and my 2 most favorite questions of all time, "What if...?" and "What will happen next?." At this point of transition and change in my life, I have become anxious once again with the uncertainty the future brings. I have written about my 5-year plan several times but I cannot still figure it out completely. Somehow, I am already feeling the pressure to commit to this one job or this one path, but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with what I am doing, but there's this teeny-weeny tinge of doubt that tells me, this is not yet it. The unsureness, no matter how little it may be, is killing me. You see, I've always had this compulsion over the future that I tend to look way ahead into the great unknown. And if I don't get the answers I needed or was expecting, intense fear, doubt, and worry would immediately cloud my mind and burden my heart. Ma'am Lota knew that this is the part in me that has been troubling my spirit and she led me there when it was my turn to speak up. I felt instantly better when several of my classmates started speaking up and sharing to the class that they feel the same way and have had similar experiences as mine. It was relieving to know that I am not alone in this fight and that immediately gave me hope that I will eventually succeed, commit to something that I will love wholeheartedly, and get the answers that I have been seeking for so long. One even shared how she gave up medicine (with just 1 more year to go) in search of that one thing that she knows she was meant to do. In the end, she found it in Psychology and the happiness in her decision just resounds in her story. Someday, I know I will also get to that happy place of fulfillment and contentment. My heart and my Lord will take me there... I just know. Though fear sometimes lingers in my mind, I gained a renewed sense of hope and appreciation for what I have now. And at this moment, I plan to make the most of my present because all these experiences will take me to that one thing that I know I was meant to do. I go back once again to my favorite verse from Jeremiah -

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you…"

This verse always comes with a reassuring hug from my Savior. It never fails to lift me up.

One more gem I received from Group Therapy is finally realizing why I went back to school to pursue my Masters in Psychology. It came as a bomb and I was very pleased with the explosion of purpose it has stirred in me. I went back to study again not because I want to be a great teacher or a credible psychologist, but because I need to be a better person and I thirst for greater healing to come to my life. I learned that my classes have been my individual therapy sessions because every class has given me new and valuable insights to help me heal and which have made me desire to grow and improve in all aspects of my life. Only when I am healed and completely at peace with myself will I be able to help others heal and be at peace with themselves. This desire to be of service to others fuels me to resolve whatever conflict that continues to reside in me and will eventually help me discover what I really want to do and to whom I want to be of service. After all, we really cannot give what we do not have.

***

Our term as youth pentacord officially ended last October 7, 2009 when the new set of youth leaders were anointed during the mass at SDSA. I am just overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude, peace, and love for the 3 years that were and filled with great hope for the 3 years to be.

Praise God for Jayme, Pia, Adrian, Ave and Andrew! Being a penta was one of the greatest surprises and blessings from the Lord and I am sure that it will also be for you. The 3 years won't be free from challenges and heartaches, but the Lord is faithful to His promises and His grace will truly abound no matter what. Keep in mind that "whoever the Lord appoints, He anoints. This line, which Dreus imparted to us when we emerged as your pentacord three years, back fueled my passion to serve the best I could. In faith, I believe that the Lord's favor resides in your heart and blessings will just pour in the ministry through your leadership. Working in the Lord's vineyard is such an extraordinary experience. It is serious business, but never forget to enjoy each moment of it!

For me, it's time to let go and move forward. I refuse to say move on as others would say because my heart will always be with the youth for this is where the Lord nurtured me and made me flourish to my capacities. So much has happened in the past 8 years that I have been in the youth ministry and I am truly grateful for everything that the Lord has blessed me with. For the past 8 intense years of passionate worship and service... and to more! I am ready to be surprised once again, dear Lord. I leave it up to you.

***

Whew. Done.
I actually missed writing.
Thank you, Lord, for stirring up the writer in me once again.

Ciao!
October 19, 2009
10:22pm

Birthday Weekend '09

I thank the Lord for another year!

I can't believe I'm 24 now. As Jon said (or was it Jeff? Haha.), we're (yes, we!) nearing our mid-20s already. Sounds terrible but still, aging is inevitable. It's something we all have to accept, whether we like it or not.

I don't know why I kept saying before that my marrying age is 25. If that is to happen, someone must have proposed to me by now and we must be planning and arranging for that hypothetical big day. Haha. 25 seems so old back then.

My birthday celebration was pushed back to the day after to give way to Tope's wedding, which my parents and I attended. It was a beautiful wedding, joined by family and friends, good music and yummy food. Yes, it was no non-sense just like the groom and full of sweetness just like the bride. Congratulations to Christopher and Rikka! May God bless your marriage with lotsa love and kids!

On the other hand, Rye flew from Palawan on my special day... not to see me and to be my date in the wedding (yes, I flew in solo.) but to attend a regional meeting in Batino. He was sort of kabado with his presentation. He said that it was not as polished as he wanted it to be. Add to this the fact that his flight got delayed. Mabuhay ka, Cebu Pac. When he called me after his meeting, he said "they loved it." What's new?! I knew you could do it. You're good at that... making people listen and be in awe at what you're saying. It surely works for me! Haha.

When we were on the way home, Rye was on his way to another "meeting." He went to Jules' Bachelor's Party. Let's leave it at that. I've always wondered what happens in stag parties... Sure, I heard his kwentos but are they accurate and precise? Hahaha. Oh well.

Rye showed up on our doorsteps at around 3 in the morning. Yes, 3 in the morning. Smiling. I just had to let him in and bring him to the boys' bedroom. Time to sleep, my dear. He got the spot between the 2 beds. Kawawa naman! Haha.

For the next 2 days, we just stuffed ourselves with lots of food and love. Naks!

Saturday

Breakfast: Bacon and Eggs + Brown Rice
Rye asked for mayo. Haha. Imbento sauce. He loves his bacon with mayo. Nahawa na din ako.

Lunch: Sango, Powerplant
From home, Rye and I went to Powerplant. (I missed my class. Bad girl! Haha.) Since I've been wanting to try Sango for the longest time, he said, we'll have lunch there. I ordered Master Cheeseburger while Rye tried the Yakiniku Beef Rice Burger. Yummmmy!! Let's eat there again, Love :) After a couple of hours, Daddy dropped off Maan and Rob. Feeling niya maliliit pa sila and he was so worried where he would drop them off. As if we won't see each other eventually wherever he drops them off. Haha. Funny. We stayed at Coffee Bean for a while until we decided to go to San Carlos for the mass.

Youth Prayer Meeting @San Carlos
Fr. James celebrated the mass with us, followed by a short program in honor of our outgoing adult coordinators, Tito Rene and Tita Nelly. The auditorium was overflowing with love and gratitude as we said our thank you's to them. I will surely miss serving with them. Our time is also almost up. Just a few more weeks, Lord. Thank you for the 3 years that you gave us. Galing mo!

On my way down to the canteen, Berna surprised me with a box of Joey Pepperoni Pizza from the XOXO gang. I was surprised and touched. I loved it! Especially the gummy worms "TRINA" and pepperoni "HBD." Thank you to Berny, Miccy, Jeppy, Melly, Jonny, Celly, Robby, Krissy, Jeggy, Marvinny, Aryay, Carloy, and Ryanny, my love.

Dinner: Isshin, Pasay Road
Finally, our family celebration at Isshin. Japanese food is love <3 style="font-style: italic;">Breakfast
I actually forgot what we ate! Haha. But I'm sure we ate something!

Lunch: Inihawfest at Perfecto's Farm Tagaytay
Rye, Mico, Rob and I went to Tagaytay for Gabe's 16th Birthday celebration. It was rainy and muddy. Hence, the car got stuck in the mud. Tito Tony came to the rescue! His Defender was there for a purpose.

Had inihaw na liempo and ribs, nilagang bulalo and veggies. Yummy! Kain nanaman! Hehe. Hung out in the farm for a bit and left at around 3pm with everyone else.

Merienda: Yellow Cab
By 4pm, we were in Bicutan already and guess what.. another stop over to EAT! Sobrang takaw talaga! We had merienda at Yellow Cab. Ordered 14" Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza, Charlie Chan Pasta and Tomato Soup for me. I love soup! Must-have for every meal. I will try to make tomato soup one of these days, Rye. :)

After our merienda, it was time to finally part ways with Rye.
Time to go home to the bundok once more.

***

All in all, it was a fun fun fun and busog birthday weekend for me!
It wasn't a typical one but spending time with my loves was the best gift of all.
Till next year! :)

Special Message:
I had so much fun, Babe. Thank you for spending the weekend with me. Thank you for filling my love tank. Just what I needed. I will see you SOON! I love you so much. I love you with all my heart!




Ciao!
September 7, 2009
1:10pm

Rationalizing My Irrational Fears

I've been meaning to blog the past few days but for some reason, I did not manage to push through with it. For some reason, I'd click the blog button but ended up closing it everytime. I guess I couldn't think of anything decent to write about. What makes this day different that I found myself actually typing? I don't know. I just decided to start typing and stop thinking so much. So here I am, just letting my thoughts flow...

Last week was one of my busiest weeks this semester. If everything had to happen in a week, that would be last week. We had our very first PTC for this school year in the Preschool, and my very first as a Lead Teacher. Thought I only needed to prepare reports for 4 kids, pressure kept creeping in. I've always been scared to face parents... Scared that they'll tell me straight in the face that their children are not learning anything... Scared that they'll shove bad news down my throat that I am not doing a good job. But lo and behold, everything went well. The parents were happy with the progress of their kids. I was just letting my fears, my irrational fears eat me alive.

With all the things I had to do for my kids' PTC, I had little time to write my paper and study for my exam in one of my classes in Ateneo, which happened the day after the PTC. To make matters worse, we had to stay in the preschool right after we finish our parent meetings to rearrange and fix the classroom, and I had class at night - Group Therapy. My initial plan was to stay in the preschool till 3pm so I still have a couple of hours to cram read. But NO. We ended just a few minutes before 5pm and traffic was hilariously not cooperating. Traffic going to Katipunan was just bad. When Kara and I got to Ateneo with half an hour to spare, the weather, this time, was not a team player either. It was raining like there's no tomorrow. We waited awhile in the car, with high hopes that the gloom in the skies will vanish. But NO. At 6pm, we had to brave the rains for the sake of making it to class. And yes, we got soaked... more like DIPPED in cold dirty water. By the time we made it to our classroom, my pants were soaked up to the knees. But wait, there's more! The surprises were pouring as hard as the heaven's cries. There were only 3 left to share that night - Me, Kara, and Queenie, who was not yet there. Since I knew I'll be late for class or be absent the following Friday because of the wedding, I had to volunteer to go first. I was hesitant to share my life at first... Once again, I was letting my irrational fears cloud my judgment. I was scared to be judged, to be criticized, to be questioned and forced to answer something I am not ready to answer. But I am happy that I finally did it. I learned a lot that night.

But then again, I still had a big problem - THE exam and THE paper that I haven't done anything about at that point. After such a long and wet day, sickness and stress were making their annoying presence felt. I read a couple of chapters for some time and finally surrendered to slumber's screams. I woke up a few hours later to continue studying and to write my paper. Morning came by fast and I just had to close my books and turn off the computer. It was time to go. I was scared, yet again, because I knew I made a crappy paper and did not study well for the exam... plus, lack of sleep and the rain finally caught up with me. I was not feeling well - cough, colds, headache -- the triple threat. I was not in the best condition to take my exam but I had to. And I did. I practically breezed through the test that I was first to submit my exam. In the end, I hated myself for stressing over about it because I think I did not do as bad as I thought I would. Fears, fears, fears, down the drain you go.

I went home after right away and rested the whole day. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to Reese's 1st Birthday Party because of my condition. I had to be better for the big day the following morning. God intended me to be there, at the St. Scho LSS, that I had to be there no matter what. I was coughing like an old machine up to the last minute. I was storming the heavens to make the cough go away because how could I lead the Lambs Prep with an itchiest throat and the croakiest voice. I did everything I humanly could - popping countless herbs and pills into my mouth, sucking on the most powerful lozenge that numbs the throat, drowning my insides with water... But nothing worked. Again, fear was starting to put its dark cloak on me. But I did not let it stop me, God did not let it stop me. I was there because I had a purpose and the Lord saw me through and allowed me to fulfill that purpose that he gave me no matter how unworthy and incapable I was at that moment. It was powerful. He was powerful all throughout. Indeed, He is made strong in my weakness. Thank you, Lord.

Nonetheless, my irrational fears continued to pester me like a plague and instead of shooing them away, I continued to feed them. That same night, Rye and I reached our boiling point. I won't go into the details but my irrational fears about our relationship was indeed the fire beneath the pot. These fears have not done me any good at all. It's time to put out the flames despite how difficult and challenging that may be. If not, I'll be left in the dark and actually let those fears become my life. And that would be the saddest.

I know. It's about time to stop being scared... to stop living in fear and start living. Period.
It's about time to be brave, to be more daring, to be more confident and comfortable with myself, in my relationships, with the now and the future. I know it will be hardwork, but I have to do it before everything in my life crumbles to pieces. It's about time to TRUST, to feel secure, to be content with what I have and to learn how to recognize when something is more than enough or needs a further push.

Ciao!
8:38pm
September 1

Happy 80th month! :)
I love you.

Thought for the Night

This came to me when I was showering...

I must cut down on the excesses to give room for the essentials.

Indeed. I have to let go of some things that are no longer beneficial to my existence...
The excesses that I don't really need but choose and continue to take in.

Excessive spending.
Excessive internet use.
Excessive eating.
Excessive sulking.
Excessive worrying.
Excessive cramming.
Excessive dreaming (but no "working").

All all other excesses in my life that I continue to hold on to...

Time to let go. Time to let go.

Ciao!
August 24
11:45pm

The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck?

Trina got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you.

You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.

What 4 Days of Pain and 4 Hours in the ER Taught Me...

Just came home from a busy day in the ER.

It all started last friday when Rye and I were all set for our much-awaited Mister Kebab date. We were so ready to go until I ended up curled up to my knees on the bed, crying and cringing in pain. The sharp twinges in my lower abdomen were too much to bear. It was so intense and nerve-wracking that I wanted to bite my lips so hard as an attempt to conceal such unbearable difficulty. It was even more heartbreaking when Rye started getting scared and seemed at a loss on what to do. He tried massaging my tummy but it didn't help. Pressure made it hurt even more. All I could do was to lay my restless body on the bed and try my best to relax hoping that this momentarily calm would fool my brain to stop feeling the pain.

After 20 minutes of pure agony, the throbbing slowly subsided and the pain evolved into a steady, ever-present, uncomfortable force within me... until this very moment that I am writing this. Every action had an equally painful reaction in the abs. I never thought laughing could be such a difficult and hurting task.

I went through my Saturday as normally as possible, trying to conceal this physical dilemma I was facing.

I went to class to get my dose of Saturday Queena-isms (Queena Lee-Chua is such an intelligent and practical prof.. gotta love her!).

When I reached San Carlos, I smiled at my fellow youth, hung out at the reg table, chatted them up and made kulet to them as I normally do. I felt energetic to do my monthly penta duties and I was really blessed by the worship that Tim and Jan led. I realized that being a Friend of God really has a gazillion perks. I also felt God talking to me and reassuring me once again as tears started to well up when Tim quoted one of my favorite verses in the bible about God's perfect love -

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:18

For our after-worship activity, I had a great and perfect night with my lovely friends in Rockwell - dinner in Zaifu, Rye's treat; shopping at Springfield (laughing over Rye's waistline mishap and dressing room scandal); kwentos about life, love, and ghosts; going bizonkers over Maricar Reyes, Maja Salvador, and Iza Calzado; dessert galore, dunkin donuts and crepes and cream are love; and so much more.

And of course, I enjoyed every precious minute I had with Rye.

Despite the bloated tummy that was bothering me and the nagging feeling of discomfort, being with the people who matter in my life right now made every enervating laugh worthwhile. Which brings me to my first lesson -

I learned that in times of pain, whether physical or emotional, imagined or psychological, being around those you love and care about is enough for you to regain your strength (even if it's just for a fleeting moment) to get past that unwanted feeling that has been brewing up within.

Aside from the physical pain that won't go away, I know I had some emotional turmoil within me that I had to sort out. So on the way home from such a blissful day, I started sharing these bothersome thoughts with Rye. He was just quiet most of the time but when he felt that I was letting my emotions cloud my mind (as usual), he tried to knock me out of it and let me see things in perpective and as objective as possible.

Thank you... because that was all I needed. I was honest yet you did not make me feel scared to share my most hidden emotions. I just needed someone to echo my thoughts in a logical and objective manner so I can make sense of all these thoughts and feelings. Even if you've said so many times how you are more of an active problem solver than a passive listener, I appreciated every quiet minute that you allowed me to release the negativity within me and to rant my heart out.

So lesson number two is -
You cannot let bad feelings bottle up inside. It will kill you and it will worsen any physical pain that's already present. Talk to someone. Talk to that person you trust most and would love you all the same and not think of you badly no matter what comes out of your mouth. You'll feel better afterward. It never fails.

Rye woke me up at 4:30 in the morning the next day to tell me that he was leaving because he needed to bring his mom to the hospital because of intense stomach pain. It was an abrupt goodbye, to think he's leaving tomorrow for Palawan yet again, but it just reminded me of how important our family is to us, which made it easier for me to let him go. I know it is nothing but an automatic response for us to not to want our loved ones suffer or be in pain.

And that is lesson number three - Family matters, Family comes first. I realized that even if I know how much Rye loves me, nothing could compare to his love for his Mom. She is his first lady love and I cannot contend with that. I know how he worries about her everyday and how he wishes that she stops working already so she can just relax and enjoy life. In the same way, I know should put my family in the forefront as well. Admittedly, I fail in this aspect at times. Because I have so much love for Rye, I tend to not attend to my family's needs first. I always forget that I still have the rest of my years to spend with Rye but every moment with my family counts - even the littlest of things. For instance, Kit asking for my help with her Math homework the other day. Rye and I were sorting some issues at that time over the phone and I practically shooed her out of my room. I am sorry, Kit. You know I love you dearly and I am happy that you did quite well in your Math test. :)

With Rye preoccupied with his mom, I had the rest of my Sunday to myself. Yes, the pain was still there when I woke up... not as intense but still there and it gave me an uncomfy feeling whenever I moved. I told my parents and they insisted that I take a painkiller and just rest. I knew they were starting to get worried then because they let me miss yesterday's The Feast at Valle, which has become a weekly family thing for us. And so I heeded their advice and just rested the whole day, and this is my fourth lesson - REST!

I think I had 5 hours of extra sleep that day and when I woke up, even if the pain wouldn't want to go away yet, I felt much better. I did not realize how much I lacked sleep from the previous week and I truly appreciated the chance to give back to my body what I owed it. Yes, we need rest, people. Sometimes, we get so busy and hyped up with life that we tend not to hear the weak cries of our body. We subliminally ignore or drown such call for help and rejuvenation just because we need to get things done in pronto... that one day, we are so surprised to learn that it has finally given up on us. We need to recharge once in while. We need to relax and get out of our buzzed lives every now and them. We need to take time to rest. It definitely doesn't deserve the beating and abuse we bring upon it each day. After all, it's His temple. We have no right to slowly murder God's anatomical wonder.

After lazing around and doing nothing the whole day, I stormed the heavens to finally release me from such pain I was feeling. It was still an effort to move, to walk, to go up and down the stairs. But I guess, it was not yet His will to make it go away. I still had a lesson or two to learn.

I woke up and God forbid, it was still there. I had to text Teacher Cecilia right away because I felt I am not at my best to be with my class today. I also asked Teacher Lia to be my Plan B in case Teacher Cecilia failed to see my text or went to class late. After a few moments of restless waiting, I finally got my replies. Both of them said Yes and ended the message with "Hope it's nothing serious." I think those were my cues from Up Above which I blatantly missed because I let fear creep into my system. I failed to see His reassuring grace that wanted to tell me I had nothing to worry about. I was so busy with the pain that I ignored the grace, His grace at that very moment. Lesson number five - we will never see the Blessing if we focus on the Problem. Yes, I missed it because I had my eyes fixed on this persistent problem of mine. In effect, it made the pain bigger than it really was. Worse, it made me even more scared because it felt like I was not getting any better after 4 long days.

Mommy promised to bring me to the hospital that morning. She just had to bring the 2 girls to Assumption and we had to wait for Manong to get back from Ateneo. I had 2 more hours of extra sleep. Thank God.

Before I retreated back to rest, Daddy placed his hand on my painful tummy and said that he'll pray over me. Each word that came out of his mouth was so lovingly said. I felt really touched with his gesture. I know that every wail of torture they hear from me is always twice the agony in them. Mommy and Daddy's concern cradled me to deep slumber in no time. Lesson number six - Parents know best. They just know how to make everything okay. I still feel safest around them.

When Mommy and I got to the hospital, I was bombarded with so many questions that anxiety started to hover over me. There were so many things to rule out and so many procedures to undergo just to make sure nothing's wrong with me. After 1 urine test, 1 painful blood test, several moments of endless going around, a hoopla of excruciating minutes of examination and questioning from the OB-Gyne, Surgeon and Resident Doctor, a number of text exchanges with Rye who's asking me to be still and stay strong, and finally, after 4 hours of waiting... they concluded that it must be.... Premenstrual Sydrome. Yes, good ol' PMS. It felt weird because on one hand, after such a long time of patient waiting, I wanted to hear something more grave than PMS to make my stay in the ER, err, more worthwhile. On the other hand, I felt quite relieved that it was nothing serious. Clap*Clap! And I just want to thank Mommy for being with me through everything.

So what do I learn from all of this? Lesson number seven - that the 4 hours of waiting were just necessary. Why? Because it was important for these doctors to precisely and accurately determine the root cause of the problem - the reason of my pain.. they had to rule out what's it's not in order to find out what it is. They had to examine me thoroughly and pass me from one doctor to the next, to my dismay, like a ping pong ball. They had to extract 2 humongous vials of blood and a jar of pee... Just to be sure. Because only when they do all these essential things will they be able to treat me accordingly. It's the very reason why we go to the doctor and painstakingly wait for the line to ease up when we're sick because we want to find out what's wrong with us so we can get the right medication. In the same way, we cannot expect to get well if we don't know where the problem is coming from. And once we acknowledge the problem, we'll know what to do next and find the right solution to it.

A side lesson (lesson number eight) from this experience is that healing takes time. Whether it's a physical or emotional affliction, we need time to heal all wounds. Give yourself time to feel and to heal. It's okay. We cannot rush it.

And through it all, the most valuable lesson I learned is how much I need God in my life.. not just now, but each and every breathing moment He blesses me with. I have been away for so long that this is yet another attempt to pull me back into His arms no matter how proud, self-reliant, and stubborn I have become. I am willing to go back now. I missed You, Lord.

As I weather all these physical and emotional battles, I only need to rely on Him for His unbeatable strength and for His endless love. Yes, His perfect love drives out all fears, doubts, worries, anxieties and pains. All I need is Him.

All I need is YOU, Lord.

I am getting better now. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I know Healing is on its way.

I am thankful once again that He has given me the inspiration to write.

Ciao!
August 3
8:19pm

Broken

I've had this "save the world" urge since a few weeks back. It's like an itch that won't go away, yet at this point, I have not discovered that ointment to make it go away and which can give me relief.

Now that our term as youth pentacord is coming to an end, I can't help but ask the Him, "Lord, what's next for me?"

I thought I got His answer a couple of weeks ago, when these lines from the song "God of Justice" stirred up something from within me:

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

I was rather convinced that this is What's Next for me. I felt like the Lord was calling me to GO, to take a step away from my comfort zone, to be with the broken in body, mind, heart, and spirit. Thoughts of being with the abused and the sickly, the emotionally troubled and at risk began to flicker in my mind... I felt that my psychological reservoir would be most useful in the lines of these domains. I was hopeful and quite excited with this realization.

More so, I felt I got His nod of approval and got His assurance that the Youth Ministry will be fine and that He has taken care of everything - every detail, every step, every little thing that's been pestering my weary mind... That even before we finish the emergence process, He already has His list written on His palm and that I have nothing to worry about.

Thus, at that moment, I felt so ready to take on the world and take tiny steps forward. I got his GO signal that it's okay for me to slowly let go of what I've held on to so dear for the past 7 years and more.

But just before I can take off, He caught my feet back to the ground.

He has His way, you know... Of pulling you back to earth whenever he catches you striding dreamily to la la land.

Little did I know that the "broken" God was referring to in His song, in His message, was none other than... me.

These past few days and even weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me.. at work, in school, in community, at home, in my relationships.

Rye said that I've been clingy as well. Something which I thought I've managed to eradicate from my system but I guess I was wrong. And he was blunt enough to let me know that he's not liking it. He thought I've changed, but now I'm back to my old ways.

It's just that these days, I've been lost in thought as I've been trying to make sense of all these things that I got myself into. Amidst the uncertainties that I've been plaguing myself with, I guess I've been finding my security from him. Maybe that's why. I don't know. But the more I tighten, the more he loosens his grip from me, and the more I am disheartened.

I just have so many WHYs, followed up with so many HOWs.

I've been trying to solve the jigsaw puzzle pieces in front of me in order to see more clearly what my future will be like. I am confident that my future will be abundant and filled with hope and blessings. Yet, what exactly is THAT future that I see glimmering before me? Yes, I see the light, but right now, it's just a big blob of faint yellow with undefined outlines and an indiscernable shape.

All this has caused fragments of what were left of my fears, doubts, and insecurities from the past to resurface. I thought they were gone and that I've fully come into terms with them, but they have their way of creeping back to my life whenever I feel that I have figured everything out and planned my life up to the miniscule detail.

I just have to finally admit once more and let it out in the open... That after all these years, I am broken, still broken... and I surely need a dose of healing grace from Up Above.

My love tank has depleted once more. I need a refill.

It's quite silly for me to think of helping other people when I can't even help myself and utterly feel helpless right now. This is just not possible. I cannot give what I don't have.

I have to come into terms with myself first and face my own demons, before I help others face the demons that they've long struggled with. Nobody can do this but me. Nobody can tell me what my next step is going to be. Dependence will only make it worse. I have to learn to stand on my own this time, so that when I finally do, I can be someone else's crutch.

As I try to resolve the strife within me, I know I am going to need all the support I can get as well. I need your help but not to the point of you spoonfeeding me with the answers that I so desperately seek right now. I just need that reassurance that I can do this and that you got my back.

Okay, enough of this drama.
I know I will figure things out in time...
With much hope, soon.

Ciao!
July 28
6:17pm

01/01/03

I was born on a Wednesday and since my birthday...
I've been living for 6 years
I've been living for 78 months
I've been living for 2,395 days
I've been living for 57,489 hours
I've been living for 3,449,387 minutes
I've been living for 206,963,264 seconds

On Finding My Niche in this World

I was reading Queena Lee-Chua's 10 Outstanding Filipino Scientist and stumbled upon this advice given to Buddy Ostrea, a brilliant Filipino doctor who developed the Meconium Test used to detect drugs in a baby's first poop, by Dr. Odell, his mentor:

"There are so many new things, and so much to learn. You won't learn everything under the sun. Cultivate a little garden of your own, and grow a few, but the best plants in that garden."

After almost a year and half in grad school and with only one course left to take before comps, practicum and thesis, I am plagued with this feeling of discontent that I have so much more to learn at this point. After going through the rigor of each class, I still sense a lack of knowledge in me, in my chosen field - Psychology (which is such a great expanse of a universe, don't you think?). Parang bitin lang. More so, the classes I've taken so far are like a hodge podge of everything - some on research, others on adolescents, parenting, education, development... ETC. This has left me more confused. On one hand, it's a matter of circumstance... The lack of available classes that could be more relevant to my life is finally catching up on me. However, on another, it's because of the many options that remain to be enticing for me. I just can't decide yet.

This quote just made me ruminate on my existence once more and think about where I am actually headed to after all this comes to pass. It felt like a nudge from above... which I just couldn't ignore.

Now, Lord, where shall I go from here?

But it's true, I cannot learn everything under the sun. Nor can I be good in everything.

Believing that I can juggle everything in my hands and thinking that I can pursue two or more paths at once are futile attempts that I know will get me nowhere. I have proven so many times as this has been a perpetual problem of mine.

"I want this, but I also want that."
"What if I try this, but also do that?"
"I can be this in the morning, and that at night."
The thoughts in my head run along these lines.

With this, I bring life to the cliche -- Jack of All Trades and Master of None. Ask me what my talent is, I'll answer you with a resounding "I don't know." Followed up with, "But I like to write, I like to study, I like to teach, I like to help the youth, I like to serve, I like to do research.." and so on and so forth... the list goes on but you get the picture. I tend to want to do different things, often unrelated ones, within the same time frame. The worst part is that when I end up not committing to any or all of these things in the pipeline FULLY and not finishing whatever I have started.

I've come to recognize how it's sometimes so easy for me to just let go and just let myself off the hook, and be distracted with yet again, another novel, glistening idea lurking around me. This is especially pronounced if I hit a hump somewhere along the way. Just like a toddler, I can leave things hanging. I explore the different learning centers at will, then zone in to a puzzle, but leave it undone if I can't fit a couple of pieces in and at one glance to my side, discover that a shiny red truck is hollering at me.

Ahhk. All this EMERGING ADULTHOOD shiznit has become my personal story. I just can't commit to one because it feels so limiting. Yet, being open as a book in terms of explorations and opportunities also poses this danger of spreading yourself too thinly on a layer of already thin ice and half-frozen what ifs. I'll definitely fall into a pit of ice-cold water in no time. This is what scares me. A lot.

This cannot go on anymore. I know I have to decide and be more specific in what I want to do, in what I wish to accomplish, and in where I think I'd succeed, all within a feasible timeframe.

I know my clock is ticking. I have to find that niche. Soon.

I have to find my happy place in this world, my own garden where my special flowers can bloom. I have to specialize. I have to find my focus. I have to know that one thing I am good at.

I know the Lord won't reveal it to me like a chocolate bar handed to a behaved child. Nor will He speak in billboards or plaster signs all over the Metro leading me to THAT path. I won't bother asking the Magic 8 ball either because life is not always about fate, luck, randomness, and chances. And it's just plain stupid to let a ball dictate your life.

It may be a tedious task but I have to discover it myself. I have to do it. I have to take time to think about it. And the answer will only surface once I get to know ME more. I can't rely on anyone else to discern what's best for me. This is my life, and I have to make that choice.

And when I do finally commit to that one thing, I know any feeling of discontent, confusion, or even worry will just fade away. His peace will eventually take over... and take me there.

Ciao!

July 23, 2009
6:41pm

ADDENDUM:

Incidentally, the Gospel today somehow affirms what I just said...

That God will not give everything on a silver platter.

We must actively search for the answers and not just rely on signs. He asks us to dig deeper and look through the surface of things, not just to see with our eyes and hear with our ears what's in front of us, but to understand with our hearts. There's no room for laziness and passiveness. We must work it!

His ways are truly not are ways.

Nibble on HIS word now, and be nourished. Ciao!

***

It is not always easy to believe and trust in the work of the Lord. Sometimes He seems to move in roundabout and mysterious ways that defy ordinary human understanding. Jesus tells us as much when He speaks through parables, hiding the message of the Gospel from those too lazy to look for it with any sense of perseverance. We cannot expect that salvation will be handed to us on a platter. We have to show our commitment to live a holy life according to the dictates of the Lord.

Matthew 13:10-17

10 The disciples approached Jesus and said, “Why do you speak to them in parables?” 11 He said to them in reply, “Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. 12 To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 13 This is why I speak to them in parables, because ‘they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand.’ 14 Isaiah’s prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says: ‘You shall indeed hear but not understand, you shall indeed look but never see. 15 Gross is the heart of this people, they will hardly hear with their ears, they have closed their eyes, lest they see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and be converted, and I heal them.’ 16 “But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear. 17 Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.”