Stress is eating me up. Sometimes, I wonder if it's just the way I think about and approach things that are making me stressed. Or if it's just the fact that I've been physically tired the past weeks, lacking acceptable sleep and rest, which is making my body go nuts.
I need to finish around 6 papers, 2 reports, 1 magazine output and study for a couple of exams within the two week period of what remains to be my second sem in Masters. I am awaiting tons of survey questionnaires that people had already forgotten about. Plus, Moving Up Day in the Preschool is coming up, set this Saturday. I have lays to thread (our theme is tropical/hawaiian), artworks to compile, a class to practice (which can be frustrating at times knowing they are freewheeling toddlers who do not have a concept of what a program is), CDs to burn, a venue to decorate -- the list goes on.
I plotted my activities in a timetable already but couldn't find the motivation to follow it even if I know deep in my mind that I need to, that every minute counts, that every unproductive minute that passes adds an ounce of stress that will surely keep me up in the coming days. Lately, I find myself succumbing to the slightest signal of my body to sleep, that I couldn't help but oblige to the call even if I know I shouldn't.
Right now, I should be doing a Research Critique which is one of the hardest paper to come up with. We're mimicking Harvard standards here -- not my typical reaction or reflection paper that I have so gotten used to. Even if I know this is helping me become a better Grad student, a better writer and a better critical thinker, it's quite difficult to put my thoughts together these days that my paper has remained blank, apart from the name and the course number on the corner.
The structured writing is killing me. Hence, I felt the urge to open my blog which I haven't touched for the longest time to just let my thoughts flow. Luckily, this exercise would motivate me well enough to finish my paper tonight.
Free flowing thoughts. Where will this take me?
First, I want to share how I've been checking out websites of colleges and learning opportunities abroad. Ever since Aileen, my classmate in Ateneo, told me about Fr. Waji's offer to help his students in their Harvard applications, I've been fixated on the thought of pursuing further studies, not here, but elsewhere. It seems that getting an MA does not warrant you full credibility as a Psychologist. Obtaining your Ph.D now appears to be the ultimate mark of a TRUE Psychologist. People here and there are working on their masters, thus, being a "Doctor" of knowledge sets you apart from the pack. Taking my Doctorate degree here -- whether in Ateneo or UP sounds a bit boring, even if it's the most feasible for now. But the websites of Harvard, Berkeley, Pennstate, etc. are very much enticing, as they gave out bits and pieces of their programs, advanced facilities and resources. It makes me want to apply but at this point, I just don't know if I have the means, the ability, the grade, the package to make the cut. It's funny how my thoughts have brought me to my Ph.D. dreams when I couldn't even write a decent paper for CogPsy.
Second, I am utterly sad and my heart is brimming with heaviness because of the current progressions here at home. I won't elaborate on this but how could they even consider adoption when they're not really, wholeheartedly, completely sure about it. We're talking of a person here, not a toy that can be brought back to a toystore in exchange of another upon realizing that you don't like it, or a library book that you can return after you're done reading it. PERSON -- with feelings, with a painful past, with memories of countless rejections. Adding up to that is beyond comprehensible. How could they even sleep at night??
Third, I am so missing Rye. I know the distance is really doing wonders to our relationship but the physical distance is making me crazy... but manageable crazy naman. Hehe. Can't wait till April.
Fourth, I learned a lot from Bo's teaching last Sunday. Actually, nothing new. But he put these things that I already new in my heart into words really well. They're more of a reminder for me.
Some points he gave that I need to internalize further (my comments are in red):
- The opposite of happiness is not sadness. The enemy of happiness is FEAR. Yes, FEAR has been my greatest enemy in life. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of rejection, fear of what people will think, fear of failure -- I have a lot of fears that have kept me away from my dreams for so long. This year, I promise to be more daring, more brave, more enthusiastic about life. I will make thing different, I will make things happen.
- Many times we are fueled by are fears that's why we are not happy. There came a point when I became so scared to fail, to not do well, that I didn't do anything about the things I wanted to do. Hence, I was not happy. Also, because of my insecurities and the fear of rejection, I kept to myself. I didn't explore. I did not enjoy being around people. I neglected my relationships. I lost my connections with people. Time to change that. Help me.
- Only one thing can conquer fear -- LOVE. Love for God, love for others, love for life... LOVE FOR LIFE ITSELF.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:18. Nuff said. - Happiness is a way of life, a way of looking at life, and a way of acting on life. Amen! Yes, it's not just an emotion that last for a fleeting moment. It's a process, it's how you live your life. In pursuit of happiness -- doing things that make you happy. Enjoying life itself. Conquering your fears, reaching your goals, being with people you love, being positive -- all of these things add up to your happiness. Lessons from the secret -- attracting positive energy of the universe by being positive. Thus, the way you treat life is how life will treat you back.
- God will allow LITTLE SUFFERING, so you may have GREAT JOY. The happiness that the Lord brings will never ever compare to the problems and sufferings you have. Yes, a little suffering is healthy -- it makes you appreciate the many blessings that you have if that's how you look at it. It's just a matter of putting things into perspective. Haha. Easier said than done!!!
- Happiness is a BYPRODUCT. --- of the things you do, pursue, and focus on. It's not the goal itself, it's the pa-baon, the bonus, the reward.
- People who search for happiness do not become happy. HAPPINESS FINDS YOU. Hala! In pursuit of happiness -- well, for me, this is just a state of mind. It motivates me to do the things that in the end could make me happy. It's not really searching for happiness as if it's a thing. It's actually the element sandwiched in making my dreams come true, in making things happen, in being more courageous in my undertakings, in embracing life more.
Wow! Writing is one of my happy pills. I am more relaxed now, more motivated to finish that tasks that are waiting for me. I love writing, especially if I am not pressured to. I am thankful that I started this blog, even if I know no one's really reading it. It allows me to express freely, to breathe, to say my piece. I love it.
Now, I now have to face this monster, in the form of a blank paper, staring back at me.
Till my next entry.
Ciao!
March 17
9:53pm
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